Detecting and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

The term “narcissist” is being thrown around a lot these days. But what does it actually mean? The standard Oxford definition is “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” In a clinical context, narcissistic personality disorder or NPD is a rare mental condition marked by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a pathological need for attention. This type of narcissism goes beyond a general self-centeredness and presents as a total disregard for others, or as disingenuous interactions and attainment to others only if it is perceived as relevant to the narcissist.

I like to think of narcissism on a spectrum; we all have narcissistic qualities, it is when those tendencies impair our work, relationships, finances, and general functioning that there is cause for concern—namely, for the victims of the narcissist. Narcissists tend to leave a path of destruction, but are unaware that they have a problem, so they usually do not seek treatment. In a sense, narcissists are addicts; they are addicted to their supply (family members, romantic partners), to provide them with validation and emotional self-regulation as they are unable to regulate themselves. It is usually easier for the narcissist to blame and rage at those closest to them than to admit to or address underlying feelings of inadequacy, imperfection, and insecurity.

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most insidious forms of domestic violence, as abusers are typically charming, attractive, and able to morph into whatever personality is needed for them to get what they want. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is likely near impossible to describe to others what you are experiencing: the crazy-making, the gas lighting, the emotional and psychological manipulation, the questioning of reality, and sometimes even physical abuse.

The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse is very similar to the standard Cycle of Abuse in most domestic violence situations, with a tension-building phase, an abusive incident, a honeymoon phase, and intermittent periods of calm. There are, however, some distinctions:

1. A relationship with a narcissist often starts with the Idealization stage, or love-bombing. Expect to receive gifts, favors, “center-of-the-universe” attention, and proclamations of love and commitment (often very early in dating).

2. At some point something will happen: the mask will slip for a second and you’ll see a different side of this person. You may catch them in a lie, notice incongruence between their words and actions, inconsistency in their availability, or you may see them acting differently around different people— like pretending to be nice to someone’s face then turning around and insulting them. In this Transition phase, you might call them out on their behavior or set a boundary to protect yourself. This will not be well-received.

3. Instead of considering your feelings or concerns, the narcissist will then enter the Devaluing stage. Get ready for some serious pain here. A narcissist’s primary line of defense is flipping the script: blaming you for all the problems of the relationship, criticizing you and knocking down your self-worth, degrading or embarrassing you, and often using triangulation to make sure you feel crazy or replaceable (“None of my previous partners/friends’ wives care that they ‘harmlessly’ flirt with other people and stay out all night drinking.”). Regardless of whether their statements about others are true or not, the motivation behind them is to manipulate you and devalue your thoughts and feelings. Look for phrases like, “You’re being way too sensitive/crazy/controlling, etc.” This is where manipulation to get you to question your reality often sets in, a.k.a. gaslighting. For more on gaslighting, refer to my previous blog post.

4. The relationship will often reach a breaking point, at which time another Transition stage will commence. During this time, you may either set terminal boundaries like leaving the relationship and going no-contact, or you may get sucked back into the madness by the narcissist’s skilled “hoovering.” This stage can be characterized by honeymooning behaviors like apologies, promises to change, and sometimes even steps toward change—like getting help for a drinking problem, or reading a self-help book you’ve asked them to consider in the past. It’s important to look for the motivation behind the behavior here: if the abuser is using “recovery” milestones and actions as a way to impress you and keep in touch with you, it is likely they are not truly in recovery. If they respect your space and take a significant amount of time to focus on growth, there is a chance true change may happen. However, because there is always someone willing to deal with the narcissist’s antics, most do not change. If you are lucky during this stage, the narcissist will discard you in favor of a new supply, and you will seek support and begin to unravel why you chose to be with a narcissist in the first place (see topics: trauma bonding, codependence, childhood abuse).

Signs You are in a Relationship with a Narcissist

Narcissists often do not see lying or manipulation as damaging behaviors. They may even convince themselves that they are doing what’s best for all involved—the grandiosity of playing God clouds the fact that being dishonest does not allow for others to make decisions that will align with their own rights to autonomy, well being, and sheer sanity. The lack of empathy particular to narcissists makes it very easy for them to continue living their lives with little regard for your discomfort. You will likely notice a general sense of uneasiness as the reality of the relationship makes itself known.

Some signs that you are in a relationship with a narcissist are: 

1. You walk on eggshells around your partner.

2. You feel the need to voice/video record your conversations because your partner keeps discounting your reality.

3. You’re hyper-vigilant for signs that a violent outburst might happen (i.e. trying to detect how much your partner has had to drink, avoiding him/her when drunk).

4. Frequently wondering if your partner is telling the truth (actions don’t match words, evidence of lying)

5. Being told you are crazy, having your pain minimized or dismissed

6. Being name-called, yelled at, threatened, and told things like “You’ll never amount to anything.”

7. Experiencing intimidation and fear (i.e. your partner throwing things, ripping up/destroying your possessions)

8. Fearing for your safety but feeling too ashamed to share with others

9. Feelings of isolation, especially when sharing your experiences with others and being met with blank stares or confusion

10. Regularly being hurt physically, emotionally, psychologically even when you’ve asked for certain behaviors to stop

11. Mysterious physical symptoms or autoimmune disorders flaring up, onset of panic attacks, anxiety, and depression, unexplained stomach aches

12. Frequently feeling tricked, taken advantage of, resentful, and confused.

Signs of Healing

Recovery and healing look different for everyone. It may take several weeks of no-contact for you to start to feel relief. The level of communication with the narcissist and your ability to hold boundaries will impact your ability to move on with your life. Further, it’s important to look for other narcissists in your life, as there is/was likely one around before you met your narcissistic partner. Similar boundaries may apply to them. However, you will know you are healing when you start to feel safer and more at ease. Here are some signs that you may be healing from narcissistic abuse:

1. You feel “lighter” literally and figuratively. For some this means their heart feels unburdened, and/or they may literally lose weight—usually a goal they were unable to achieve while in a relationship with the narcissist, sometimes due to high stress levels, emotional eating or other coping mechanisms. (Note: it is also common to lose weight after any break up due to the traumatic nature of loss. It is important to check in with yourself to assure that any weight loss is occurring at healthy levels.)

2. You smile, genuinely, sometimes for no reason.

3. You feel a sense of relief.

4. Some chronic physical symptoms may begin to alleviate (joint pain, stomach aches, headaches, autoimmune disease flare-ups may reduce in frequency and severity)

5. You are better able to concentrate and be present.

6. Healthy habits you’ve forgotten about or put on hold come back or seem more appealing (mindfulness practices, exercise, the motivation to cook healthy meals, etc.)

7. You feel more connected to your inner world, and less like you need to escape or distract yourself from problems.

8. You do not spend your waking hours obsessing and worrying about your partner.