Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse: Blindsided

We often hear the term “narcissist,” but what does it mean? Many individuals who are leaving and healing from relationships, especially romantic ones, with people who are narcissists. I was married to a narcissist and could not believe the things I was facing. It felt like an out of body experience.

IDENTIFYING INDIVIDUALS WITH NARCISSISM

So just what traits does someone with narcissism have, and what does that person look like in the early stages of dating? Studies suggest that 1% of the general population (2-16% of the psychiatric population) has a narcissistic personality, while an even greater number exhibit typical traits of narcissism (Brown, 2013). In addition, although 75% of people with narcissism are found to be male, women can also be narcissists.

Narcissism is defined as an excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others; grandiosity; arrogance; absence of the ability to empathize and experience reciprocity in relationships; the intense need for admiration/attention to fill very low self-esteem; impaired relationships resulting in parasitic/predatory behaviors designed to fill one’s self-esteem in the form of narcissistic supply (DSM-IV).

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE RELATIONSHIP

The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. Those who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of posttraumatic stress.

Not only are they grieving the loss of the relationship, but they are also processing the unreality of a “fake relationship.” Furthermore, often psychological abuse (and sometimes physical and sexual abuse) has permeated the relationship. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future.

PROTECT YOURSELF

So how does one avoid encountering someone with narcissism? I would suggest being particularly cautious with the pacing of dating. If you’re using a dating website, exercise extreme caution when meeting up with a dating partner for the first several dates until you feel you know the individual (i.e. meet in a public place).
If the dating partner attempts to rush the relationship, that is a red flag. An individual who respects your boundaries will work with you to slowly progress the relationship at a pace that is mutually agreed upon. Just because initially there is a highly seductive “zing” quality to the attraction does not mean that the dating partner is healthy. To protect yourself from someone who may end up behaving out of narcissism, it is best to allow the connection to unfold slowly and observe to see if actions and words are matching up.

Resources:

1. Deliverance and Spiritual Warfare Manual: A Comprehensive Guide to Living Free by John Eckhardt
2. Lisaescott.com: The Path Forward online forum and support network for survivors of narcissistic abuse
3. Baggagereclaim.com: A website dedicated to individuals healing from relationships with emotionally-unavailable people (including narcissists)
4. Outofthefog.com: A website with support and resources for people moving forward from abusive relationships
5. Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
6. Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
7. Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare
8. Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PhD
9. Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward
10. Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW
11. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW
12. Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move On by Cynthia Zayn and Kevin Dibble
13. Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, LCSW
14. Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason, MS
15. Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin