Have you seen the movie Mommy Dearest? Flowers in the Attic? Precious?

Having a narcissistic and toxic mother can be detrimental to a child, especially in the formative years. Society places mothers in such high regard, so we do not think of our own mothers as even remotely narcissistic. With a narcissistic mother, EVERYTHING revolves around her and her perfectly crafted facade. She is likely covert so most people believe the image that she has strategically built over the years.

Here are a few signs that your mother may be narcissistic or have toxic traits:

1. When you attempt to assert yourself as an adult, it results in anger, rejection, and hostility. Phrases such as, “I am your MOTHER!” are commonplace. She does not appreciate your attempts to individuate, as that means that you will be less available to serve her needs. Does she get angry when you disagree or don’t want to do what she wants you to do? Does she try to make you feel guilty for having separate interests, hobbies, desires, and opinions? Does she feel entitled to your earnings or feel that you are responsible for her financial needs?

2. Her love is conditional.

A mother who is narcissistic is interested in how you (and your achievements) reflect on her. She wants you to succeed, but only so that she looks good. She may even become jealous if she feels you are doing too well. Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often be perfectionistic in a misguided attempt to win their mother’s love.

3. She cannot or will not validate your feelings.

There is very little room in her emotional consciousness for your feelings. If they do something that upsets you, narcissists generally won’t be prepared to acknowledge their mistake or soothe your upset. They are too focused on trying to manage the shame elicited by your implied criticism. She may sometimes be there if you need support, but most often she will turn it around so that it becomes about her. There is little to no acknowledgment of things that she does wrong. Do not fall for the pity or crying as an apology.

For example:

“That reminds me of the time…” “You think you have problems, I remember when…” “I can’t listen to you when you’re like this, it upsets me…” “I do/have done everything for you, why can’t you appreciate it, you are so ungrateful…”

4. She belittles you.

A narcissistic mother will be full of praise in one moment, hypercritical, and judgmental the next. They can make your head spin! A narcissistic mother knows where it hurts. She will often use sarcasm or belittling language to humiliate you, perhaps in front of others. She may minimize your feelings with excuses such as “I’m just joking!”

5. She tries to manipulate you.

The manipulation can be quite subtle, causing you to question your doubts and fears. She may call you “selfish” because you don’t want to be her maid or chauffeur 24/7. Being afraid to say no to her because you fear her disapproval or anger is definitely not a good sign.

6. She thinks she is above the rules.

Narcissists prefer not to have to follow the rules that apply to us lesser mortals. The sense of entitlement that accompanies narcissism can manifest in expectations of special treatment. She might try to get out of a parking ticket through manipulation or flirtatious behavior, then she gets angry. She can embarrass you in line at your favorite coffee shop. If she is not allowed to jump the coffee queue or secure her favorite table at a popular restaurant, she may become disproportionately angry.

7. She is unpredictable.

Narcissists often wax and wane in terms of their attention and availability. She may shower you with affection and attention (love-bombing) when she wants something from you and ignore you when she is going OK. Her ability to care about you is dependent on her own needs rather than any genuine commitment to you as a separate and autonomous being.

8. It’s all about how things look.

Because they are largely dependent on social cues to manage their self-image, narcissists will be focussed on how things appear, and most importantly, how they appear to those whose opinion matters to them. Narcissistic mothers will generally like to appear socially successful, keeping a nice-looking home, wearing nice clothes, and keeping a full social or church circle. Your mother might spend a lot of time trying to impress the neighbors, her church, and others whom she considers worth her time.

9. She cannot see your point of view.

In general, narcissistic mothers will be unwilling to understand or even acknowledge your point of view. She may ignore, belittle, or undermine you, often using manipulation or guilt-tripping to get her way.

10. She is emotionally volatile.

Narcissists are often emotionally unstable, swinging between cold rage and collapsed fragility depending on environmental cues. Mothers with these characteristics have very low self-esteem underneath their bluster and will become teary or desperate if they meet ongoing resistance.

Did you know most children that have a narcissistic mother (or father) continue to have relationships with other narcissists, sociopaths & psychopaths? 

Here are additional signs:

❉ They tried to control you through codependency to make you dependent on them even through adulthood.

❉ They had a “favorite”, “golden” child, or scapegoat, or invisible child. These roles were interchangeable at any time.

❉ They guilt you for simply being born. You owe them your life because they were there for you as if you asked to be here. You are taught to always put everyone first or to get you to do things.

❉ They have a high sense of entitlement & groom you to take care of them as they grow older. (This is your choice, not your duty, especially if you have a narcissistic family)

❉ They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders. The image of the family is everything.

❉ Family is highly secretive and loyalty is expected. If you disagree or do something displeases you were met with silent treatment until you got back in line.

❉ They only love you when you did what THEY wanted. Their feelings are what matters.

❉ They are vindictive & liked to “get even” with you.

❉ They don’t respect your boundaries or they taught you to have weak or no boundaries. This sets you up for narcissistic abuse in future relationships.

❉ They competed with you. (Think Mommy Dearest)

❉ They “owned” your accomplishments & live vicariously through you.

❉ They constantly lied to you about the key details of your life.

❉ They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings. If you brought something up that bothered you, they cried, got upset, made it uncomfortable, or changed the subject. Anything to evade accountability.

❉ They constantly insulted or criticized you.

❉ They exerted explicit control over you.

❉ They gaslighted you.

❉ They “parentified” you.

❉ They reacted intensely to any form of criticism.

❉ They projected their bad behavior onto you.

❉ They never displayed any real empathy. They were cold one minute and warm the next.

❉ They were always right and never wrong. Never truly apologized.

❉You were outcast if you spoke up against the family/cult-like system.

When you grew up in a narcissistic environment it can be hard to have any perspective. You second guess yourself or lack the self-confidence due to it being undermined as a child. Often children of narcissists adapt to the parenting they receive, losing contact with their authentic self. This results in codependency and feelings of inadequacy. They are so used to being exploited and dominated they don’t know how healthy relationships work.

Make no mistake, this is emotional, spiritual, and psychological abuse! If you have come to the conclusion that your mother is a narcissist, then the best option is to talk with someone that you trust or a licensed therapist that specializes in narcissistic abuse. Keep in mind that demonic spirits take over a person’s heart, mind, and soul. If you confront a narcissistic person, a smear campaign against you WILL ensue. This spirit must maintain control over everyone. If they feel as if they are losing control over you, they go into full attack mode. They do not view you as their child. You, like everyone else, are a resource.

Grey Rock is an alternative method if you are unable to have no contact. Whatever method you choose, come to terms with the fact the person you believe you know is not who she pretends to be. She is unable to be truthful with herself and therefore can not be honest about anything. She does not love herself in a healthy way and cannot give you the unconditional love that you deserve from a parent.

Staying in contact with a narcissistic parent is a choice. If you decide that you want to stay in contact with your mother, you will need to accept that you may never receive the acknowledgment you long for in your relationship with her. You will need to validate your own feelings and accept the grieving process that accompanies a realization of her profound limitations.

For daughters of narcissistic mothers, it can be a long road to recovery.

Because they have grown up under the tyrannical rule of a woman with severe character flaws, they often have a depleted sense of self. It can take a lot of work in therapy and spiritual warfare to break the chains. Both aid in gaining self-awareness and compassion that helps heal your neglected inner child.

Ask God to heal your heart. Pray that the scales be removed from your mother’s eyes and heart. Rebuke the spirits of Jezebel, Ahab, and Leviathan that have been operating in your life and your bloodline. Generational patterns are likely operating in your family. In Christ, we are no longer bound by our bloodline. While you may be predisposed to certain demonic influences, you can overcome! Repent from known and unknown sins. Sin opens God’s hedge of protection for you and your children for demonic spirits to attack and torment at will. Bind all demonic spirits and loose God’s will over your life. It is not God’s design that we live indebted, under the control of, or in bondage to anyone – not even your mother.

Break those chains!