Are You Codependent?

Codependency is a learned behavior and defense mechanism, most often found in those that grew up in a home that was emotionally unhealthy. A codependent essentially gives themselves, their self-worth, to maintain relationships with others. Codependents learned early on to people please, overachieve, (in some cases) underachieve, & put themselves last in order to receive breadcrumbs of “love.” Narcissistic or unavailable parents teach their children to “just be happy & grateful” with the bare minimum emotionally. This creates a self-love void & deficit.

Codependents fall for narcissists because they love bombs and pretend to give the love that the codependent did not receive in childhood or adulthood. In the initial stages, narcissists give codependents the validation that they have never received. It all seems so new, exhilarating, and like something out of a fairy tale because it is something that the codependent or empath has never received from anyone else. The narcissist and the codependent are both in search of time, attention, and unconditional love.

In narcissistic homes, love is conditional and based on performance, so codependents learn to take basic scraps of “love.” When narcissists come along, they overload the codependent’s senses with false love. The codependent does not really know who they are yet and does not know true love either, so they believe the narcissist when he/she tells them they are their “soulmate.”

The codependent operates in self-love deficient and fear rejection & abandonment, as they were taught to put themselves and suppress any emotions that they feel in order to be the family’s savior & scapegoat. Codependents feel a need to save everyone because this was the role given to them by narcissistic parents. They repeat the broken bird syndrome, falsely believing they can be the ones to save the narcissist. They must hold on to hope that the narc can change. Codependents falsely believe that their unrequited love and all they have done financially and emotionally for the narc will be repaid. (It will not.)

Neither the codependent nor the narcissist really knows what love is. Codependents believe that love and abuse can coexist. They are familiar with the silent treatment and cannot handle it when the narc does this because it makes them panic inside at the thought of losing what they believe is love.

◉ Weak or no boundaries. Let’s guard down and allows a narcissistic person to impede on boundaries in order to maintain the relationship.

◉ Inability to say “No” and play the role of peacekeeper or middle man.

◉ Never feels good enough.

◉ Continuously attracts narcissists in interpersonal relationships. Overlooks red flags to appease and gain “love.”

◉ Experienced sexual, emotional, or physical abuse in child or adulthood.

◉ Separation anxiety when separated from a partner or loved one, even for a short time.

◉ Parents partner. There is an imbalance in the relationship. (For example, women who take on a caregiver and provider role of the husband or significant other. Women who do not mind being the “man” or dominant partner in the home. It can also be men who were emasculated by their narcissistic mother and seek women who will take care of them.)

◉ Do not know who you are outside of a relationship & become enmeshed in the relationship. Feels as if they cannot be without the partner. A codependent may feel as though the world would end if the relationship ends or feels hopeless.

◉ Stays in abusive relationships even to your detriment or when your spouse or partner has shown you they truly do not love you. A codependent feels as if they are abandoning an abusive family member, spouse, or partner if they go No Contact.

Know that you can cast out codependent traits and recover! Jesus Christ conquered all on the cross.

◉ Acknowledge the dysfunction, often found in your family of origin. This is vital to healing. Find the root.

◉ Ask God to heal you and take responsibility for your healing. It is an ongoing, continuous healing process.

◉ Let go of the guilt and shame! Codependents live in a HIGH level of guilt that keeps them in the cycle of abuse. Do not fall for the guilt trips of manipulative people. Begin to notice how guilt is used in your family and relationship to keep you in line and giving in to their requests.

◉ Learn to be happy with God and yourself. God may have you in a single or season of isolation to unlearn these behaviors and relearn about Him and yourself so that you can heal.

◉ Counseling and prayer!

Understand that you will recycle the experience until the cycles and issues are addressed head-on.

Do not look to others to validate you. Love you and how God made you.

You are so worthy. He did not make you to be abused by others.

Let’s break those chains of narcissist abuse!

Who the Son sets free is true indeed. John 8:36

Break the Chains of Narcissist Abuse!