Narcissist Abuse Recovery
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Married To a Narcissist & How I Got Out
A Snippet of My Testimony
I have the pleasure of speaking on Dr. Moremi’s radio show “Taking A Look At Calvary” in Chicago on Big Gospel Express 1570 AM. We are on-air live from 10:30-11:00 AM CST on Wednesdays. Please tune in if you are in the Chicago area. I will upload the broadcast weekly here as well.
On last week’s show (September 23rd) I discussed how I found myself married to a narcissist. I also discuss how I left. Sharing my testimony is the perfect segway to National Domestic Violence Awareness Month which begins Oct 1. I want to inspire others to have faith and trust in God. Our faith is not in any man but in Jesus Christ. Domestic Violence affects all races, ethnicities, socio-economical, backgrounds, both men and women. It does absolutely does not discriminate.
Domestic Violence Statistics
Each year on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. 1:3 women and 1:4 men will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lifetime. Those are very high statistics. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men. Domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. It is not limited to intimate partners. Parents abuse. Children abuse. Spouses abuse. Partners abuse. Coworkers abuse. Yes, so-called “pastors” and “Christians” abuse. Abuse comes in many forms and many sources. These are the numbers for the cases that are REPORTED. Many more go unreported.
Let’s Raise Awareness
Narc Free Living LLC is raising awareness to help bring an end to this debilitating and isolating form of abuse. We also strive to help others recognize all forms of abuse. We are more than conquerors through Christ!
We want to show our support for domestic violence survivors. Survivors should not bear the guilt & shame of abuse. When you are ready and able to, please feel free to share your testimony. Let’s help to change the narrative. (And if you are not ready, that it is totally ok:) There is no guilt, shame, or condemnation. Know that God does not want anyone abused, no matter who it is. Love and abuse do not coexist.
Feel free to share how you overcame abuse, left an abusive relationship, narcissistic family/friendship, and/or what steps you are taking to heal. Abuse is not something that we “just get over” or “forgive and let it go.” Healing is a deeply personal, lifelong journey. Forgiveness is one thing and healing is a whole other one. Just because someone forgives does not mean they have healed. Everyone’s story, recovery, healing processes are different. I will send a special gift to (at least) the first 10. (Gift is sent to those in the continental U.S.)
If you would like to share your story, please send them & I’ll share it on Narc Free Living LLC. (Names can be omitted if so desired.)
Send your info or story to:
Email: support@narcfreeliving.com
IG: https://www.instagram.com/narcfreelivingllc/
FB: https://m.facebook.com/narcfreelivingllc/
#breakthechains #narcfreeliving
God bless you!
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Are You Codependent?
What is codependency?Let’s discuss the spirits behind codependency and how to overcome them.Fear, rejection, and abandonment are the primary spirits behind codependency.Codependency is a learned behavior and defense mechanism, most often found in those that grew up in a home that was emotionally unhealthy. A codependent essentially gives themselves, their self-worth, to maintain relationships with others. Codependents learned early on to people please, overachieve, (in some cases) underachieve, & put themselves last in order to receive breadcrumbs of “love.” Narcissistic or unavailable parents teach their children to “just be happy & grateful” with the bare minimum emotionally. This creates a self-love void & deficit.Codependents fall for narcissists because they love bombs and pretend to give the love that the codependent did not receive in childhood or adulthood. In the initial stages, narcissists give codependents the validation that they have never received. It all seems so new, exhilarating, and like something out of a fairy tale because it is something that the codependent or empath has never received from anyone else. The narcissist and the codependent are both in search of time, attention, and unconditional love.In narcissistic homes, love is conditional and based on performance, so codependents learn to take basic scraps of “love.” When narcissists come along, they overload the codependent’s senses with false love. The codependent does not really know who they are yet and does not know true love either, so they believe the narcissist when he/she tells them they are their “soulmate.”The codependent operates in self-love deficient and fear rejection & abandonment, as they were taught to put themselves and suppress any emotions that they feel in order to be the family’s savior & scapegoat. Codependents feel a need to save everyone because this was the role given to them by narcissistic parents. They repeat the broken bird syndrome, falsely believing they can be the ones to save the narcissist. They must hold on to hope that the narc can change. Codependents falsely believe that their unrequited love and all they have done financially and emotionally for the narc will be repaid. (It will not.)Neither the codependent nor the narcissist really knows what love is. Codependents believe that love and abuse can coexist. They are familiar with the silent treatment and cannot handle it when the narc does this because it makes them panic inside at the thought of losing what they believe is love.Signs of a codependent person:
◉ Weak or no boundaries. Let’s guard down and allows a narcissistic person to impede on boundaries in order to maintain the relationship.◉ Inability to say “No” and play the role of peacekeeper or middle man.◉ Never feels good enough.◉ Continuously attracts narcissists in interpersonal relationships. Overlooks red flags to appease and gain “love.”◉ Experienced sexual, emotional, or physical abuse in child or adulthood.◉ Separation anxiety when separated from a partner or loved one, even for a short time.◉ Parents partner. There is an imbalance in the relationship. (For example, women who take on a caregiver and provider role of the husband or significant other. Women who do not mind being the “man” or dominant partner in the home. It can also be men who were emasculated by their narcissistic mother and seek women who will take care of them.)◉ Do not know who you are outside of a relationship & become enmeshed in the relationship. Feels as if they cannot be without the partner. A codependent may feel as though the world would end if the relationship ends or feels hopeless.◉ Stays in abusive relationships even to your detriment or when your spouse or partner has shown you they truly do not love you. A codependent feels as if they are abandoning an abusive family member, spouse, or partner if they go No Contact.Ways to break the generational patterns and cycle of codependency:
Know that you can cast out codependent traits and recover! Jesus Christ conquered all on the cross.◉ Acknowledge the dysfunction, often found in your family of origin. This is vital to healing. Find the root.◉ Ask God to heal you and take responsibility for your healing. It is an ongoing, continuous healing process.◉ Let go of the guilt and shame! Codependents live in a HIGH level of guilt that keeps them in the cycle of abuse. Do not fall for the guilt trips of manipulative people. Begin to notice how guilt is used in your family and relationship to keep you in line and giving in to their requests.◉ Learn to be happy with God and yourself. God may have you in a single or season of isolation to unlearn these behaviors and relearn about Him and yourself so that you can heal.◉ Counseling and prayer!◉ Reparent yourself. Give yourself the love that you did not receive growing up or from the toxic relationship.
◉Understand that you will recycle the experience until the cycles and issues are addressed head-on.Understand that you will recycle the experience until the cycles and issues are addressed head-on.Do not look to others to validate you. Love you and how God made you.You are so worthy. He did not make you to be abused by others.Let’s break those chains of narcissist abuse!
Who the Son sets free is true indeed. John 8:36Break the Chains of Narcissist Abuse! -
Signs That Your Mother Has The Spirit of Jezebel
Have you seen the movie Mommy Dearest? Flowers in the Attic? Precious?
Having a narcissistic and toxic mother can be detrimental to a child, especially in the formative years. Society places mothers in such high regard, so we do not think of our own mothers as even remotely narcissistic. With a narcissistic mother, EVERYTHING revolves around her and her perfectly crafted facade. She is likely covert so most people believe the image that she has strategically built over the years.
Here are a few signs that your mother may be narcissistic or have toxic traits:
1. When you attempt to assert yourself as an adult, it results in anger, rejection, and hostility. Phrases such as, “I am your MOTHER!” are commonplace. She does not appreciate your attempts to individuate, as that means that you will be less available to serve her needs. Does she get angry when you disagree or don’t want to do what she wants you to do? Does she try to make you feel guilty for having separate interests, hobbies, desires, and opinions? Does she feel entitled to your earnings or feel that you are responsible for her financial needs?
2. Her love is conditional.
A mother who is narcissistic is interested in how you (and your achievements) reflect on her. She wants you to succeed, but only so that she looks good. She may even become jealous if she feels you are doing too well. Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often be perfectionistic in a misguided attempt to win their mother’s love.
3. She cannot or will not validate your feelings.
There is very little room in her emotional consciousness for your feelings. If they do something that upsets you, narcissists generally won’t be prepared to acknowledge their mistake or soothe your upset. They are too focused on trying to manage the shame elicited by your implied criticism. She may sometimes be there if you need support, but most often she will turn it around so that it becomes about her. There is little to no acknowledgment of things that she does wrong. Do not fall for the pity or crying as an apology.
For example:
“That reminds me of the time…” “You think you have problems, I remember when…” “I can’t listen to you when you’re like this, it upsets me…” “I do/have done everything for you, why can’t you appreciate it, you are so ungrateful…”
4. She belittles you.
A narcissistic mother will be full of praise in one moment, hypercritical, and judgmental the next. They can make your head spin! A narcissistic mother knows where it hurts. She will often use sarcasm or belittling language to humiliate you, perhaps in front of others. She may minimize your feelings with excuses such as “I’m just joking!”
5. She tries to manipulate you.
The manipulation can be quite subtle, causing you to question your doubts and fears. She may call you “selfish” because you don’t want to be her maid or chauffeur 24/7. Being afraid to say no to her because you fear her disapproval or anger is definitely not a good sign.
6. She thinks she is above the rules.
Narcissists prefer not to have to follow the rules that apply to us lesser mortals. The sense of entitlement that accompanies narcissism can manifest in expectations of special treatment. She might try to get out of a parking ticket through manipulation or flirtatious behavior, then she gets angry. She can embarrass you in line at your favorite coffee shop. If she is not allowed to jump the coffee queue or secure her favorite table at a popular restaurant, she may become disproportionately angry.
7. She is unpredictable.
Narcissists often wax and wane in terms of their attention and availability. She may shower you with affection and attention (love-bombing) when she wants something from you and ignore you when she is going OK. Her ability to care about you is dependent on her own needs rather than any genuine commitment to you as a separate and autonomous being.
8. It’s all about how things look.
Because they are largely dependent on social cues to manage their self-image, narcissists will be focussed on how things appear, and most importantly, how they appear to those whose opinion matters to them. Narcissistic mothers will generally like to appear socially successful, keeping a nice-looking home, wearing nice clothes, and keeping a full social or church circle. Your mother might spend a lot of time trying to impress the neighbors, her church, and others whom she considers worth her time.
9. She cannot see your point of view.
In general, narcissistic mothers will be unwilling to understand or even acknowledge your point of view. She may ignore, belittle, or undermine you, often using manipulation or guilt-tripping to get her way.
10. She is emotionally volatile.
Narcissists are often emotionally unstable, swinging between cold rage and collapsed fragility depending on environmental cues. Mothers with these characteristics have very low self-esteem underneath their bluster and will become teary or desperate if they meet ongoing resistance.
Did you know most children that have a narcissistic mother (or father) continue to have relationships with other narcissists, sociopaths & psychopaths?
Here are additional signs:
❉ They tried to control you through codependency to make you dependent on them even through adulthood.
❉ They had a “favorite”, “golden” child, or scapegoat, or invisible child. These roles were interchangeable at any time.
❉ They guilt you for simply being born. You owe them your life because they were there for you as if you asked to be here. You are taught to always put everyone first or to get you to do things.
❉ They have a high sense of entitlement & groom you to take care of them as they grow older. (This is your choice, not your duty, especially if you have a narcissistic family)
❉ They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders. The image of the family is everything.
❉ Family is highly secretive and loyalty is expected. If you disagree or do something displeases you were met with silent treatment until you got back in line.
❉ They only love you when you did what THEY wanted. Their feelings are what matters.
❉ They are vindictive & liked to “get even” with you.
❉ They don’t respect your boundaries or they taught you to have weak or no boundaries. This sets you up for narcissistic abuse in future relationships.
❉ They competed with you. (Think Mommy Dearest)
❉ They “owned” your accomplishments & live vicariously through you.
❉ They constantly lied to you about the key details of your life.
❉ They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings. If you brought something up that bothered you, they cried, got upset, made it uncomfortable, or changed the subject. Anything to evade accountability.
❉ They constantly insulted or criticized you.
❉ They exerted explicit control over you.
❉ They gaslighted you.
❉ They “parentified” you.
❉ They reacted intensely to any form of criticism.
❉ They projected their bad behavior onto you.
❉ They never displayed any real empathy. They were cold one minute and warm the next.
❉ They were always right and never wrong. Never truly apologized.
❉You were outcast if you spoke up against the family/cult-like system.
When you grew up in a narcissistic environment it can be hard to have any perspective. You second guess yourself or lack the self-confidence due to it being undermined as a child. Often children of narcissists adapt to the parenting they receive, losing contact with their authentic self. This results in codependency and feelings of inadequacy. They are so used to being exploited and dominated they don’t know how healthy relationships work.
Make no mistake, this is emotional, spiritual, and psychological abuse! If you have come to the conclusion that your mother is a narcissist, then the best option is to talk with someone that you trust or a licensed therapist that specializes in narcissistic abuse. Keep in mind that demonic spirits take over a person’s heart, mind, and soul. If you confront a narcissistic person, a smear campaign against you WILL ensue. This spirit must maintain control over everyone. If they feel as if they are losing control over you, they go into full attack mode. They do not view you as their child. You, like everyone else, are a resource.
Grey Rock is an alternative method if you are unable to have no contact. Whatever method you choose, come to terms with the fact the person you believe you know is not who she pretends to be. She is unable to be truthful with herself and therefore can not be honest about anything. She does not love herself in a healthy way and cannot give you the unconditional love that you deserve from a parent.
Staying in contact with a narcissistic parent is a choice. If you decide that you want to stay in contact with your mother, you will need to accept that you may never receive the acknowledgment you long for in your relationship with her. You will need to validate your own feelings and accept the grieving process that accompanies a realization of her profound limitations.
For daughters of narcissistic mothers, it can be a long road to recovery.
Because they have grown up under the tyrannical rule of a woman with severe character flaws, they often have a depleted sense of self. It can take a lot of work in therapy and spiritual warfare to break the chains. Both aid in gaining self-awareness and compassion that helps heal your neglected inner child.
Ask God to heal your heart. Pray that the scales be removed from your mother’s eyes and heart. Rebuke the spirits of Jezebel, Ahab, and Leviathan that have been operating in your life and your bloodline. Generational patterns are likely operating in your family. In Christ, we are no longer bound by our bloodline. While you may be predisposed to certain demonic influences, you can overcome! Repent from known and unknown sins. Sin opens God’s hedge of protection for you and your children for demonic spirits to attack and torment at will. Bind all demonic spirits and loose God’s will over your life. It is not God’s design that we live indebted, under the control of, or in bondage to anyone – not even your mother.
Break those chains!
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Who Taught You That? Pass The Peas
🗣Ⓟ Ⓐ Ⓢ Ⓢ 👉🏾Ⓣ Ⓗ Ⓔ 👉🏾Ⓟ Ⓔ Ⓐ Ⓢ
Who taught you that abuse was ok?
Who taught you that it was ok to be around people that continually hurt you?
One thing I know for certain is that dysfunctional families love to have get-togethers! This creates an environment where molesters sit across the dinner table from the very people they molested and abusers sit comfortably around the people they abuse. No one brings up any issues that need to be discussed within the family. Everyone pretends that all is good for social media and family portraits. Problems are not discussed or members talk behind each other’s backs. It is home that we learn to sit with trauma and put band-aids on gaping wounds.
This is where we learn the false belief that love and abuse can coexist. Most people who marry or date narcissistic, toxic, or emotionally unavailable partners are unaware that this belief was learned subconsciously in their childhood.
When we find the courage to tell someone, our stories are not believed, or the abuse is minimized. Oftentimes they are just swept under the rug, – or better yet, the family “handles” the abuse internally. We are invalidated over and over and because we love our abusers or toxic people, we push our emotions down and we learn to just go on.
So, in essence, you learn to pass the peas and be quiet.
Narcissists follow a distinct pattern:
Groom
Manipulate
Gaslight
Project
Invalidate
Discredit
Devalue
Discard
Remember that abuse is hitting, blocking, groping, touching inappropriately, bullying, unwanted advances, projection, name-calling, trying to control, isolating, guilting, shaming, lying, denying the truth, silent treatment, playing the victim, gaslighting, isolation, etc. It is acting dumbfounded because you do not want to validate the other’s point of view. It is attempting to gaslight and make the other person feel crazy. Abuse is so normalized that most people are not even aware they are in abusive situations or families.
When you are traumatized you just want things to be ok, to go back to “normal” so you feel safe. So you learn to just be quiet and play small. But this is not normal.
You learn to stay around people who are not good for you in efforts to keep the peace. The bible shows us bad company corrupts good character. (Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33.) It is not only biblical, but it is wise to distance yourself from those who are unrepentant and abusive emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, and/or physically. It is protecting yourself, your energy, and your spirit man.
Jesus cast demons out and we see examples of his healing throughout the New Testament. He did not entertain or keep company with people who were inhabited and walking in agreement with evil spirits. He cast them out. Narcissists have the spirit of Jezebel, a demonic force of the principality of Baal. This is a highly deceptive, pathological, diabolical, seductive, charming, and conniving spirit. They can fool anyone, especially those without the Holy Spirit. Once a person gives way to this spirit, you must fast, pray, and engage in spiritual warfare to break soul ties, as well as, the chains of abuse and generational curses.
It now boggles my mind when I see people who are repeatedly and blatantly hurt by someone they “love” and they STILL want to be around this person. I understand that this is learned codependent behavior. We learn at an early age to be around abusive people, to forgive without repentance (which is unbiblical), and give multiple chances to those who show us they do not truly love us. Neither party knows what love is. This sends the signal that it’s ok. We were taught we choose family over everything (idolatry) and that family is more important than our mental health (soul ties).
This is a common scenario during the holidays in families:
Ok everyone let’s get together! Dinner will be served at 6 pm sharp. The menu consists of turkey and dressing, ham, jambalaya, macaroni and cheese, cornbread, peas, and salad.
We are all going to smile and laugh and you – my dear, will pretend as if you are healed from horrendous things that have been done to you. Please do not bring up any issues. This is not the time…(By the way, there will never be a good time.) However, we still want you to come around and act as if we are perfect. Please be prepared to wear your “fun” mask and go along with upholding the family image. Now, we will warn you – if you try to discuss issues or things that make us uncomfortable, we will just pretend we don’t hear you and we may discard you and go on as if you never existed. (Insert the family laugh track).
Now pass the peas.
When you try to hold anyone accountable, we’ll just say you’re crazy and use you as a scapegoat.
We will say you’re lying, that you are a troublemaker, that you are trying to break up our beloved, dysfunctional family.
We will accuse you of being promiscuous, mean, unforgiving, jealous, bitter, or unstable. Any or all will do.
Now pass the peas.
An example of the dialogue:
A little girl to her mother:
“Mother, Dad raped me.”
Mother to her daughter:
“SHHH, that never happened. You have such a vivid imagination. Besides, your father is such a great provider. Pass the peas.
A son to his mother:
“Mom, Uncle Roger is touching me and making me do inappropriate things.”
Mother:
“Hush, no he did not! He’s a minister and a community activist! The man I know would never do that! Keep this between us two. Now pass the peas and walk it off. ”
A daughter to her father:
“Dad, your best friend touched me inappropriately.”
Dad:
“Pull down your skirt. You know that’s how he is and you also know better than to sit on a grown man’s lap. Now pass the peas.”
A nephew to his aunt:
“Auntie, your friend is looking at me and saying sexual things.”
Aunt:
“Oh, she’s like that with everyone. She’s just flirty. She’s like that with everyone. Now pass the peas.”
A niece to uncle:
“Uncle Peter, my dad is touching me.”
Uncle:
“Well, that is my brother.”
{{Says & does absolutely nothing}} “Pass the peas.”
A son to his father:
“Dad, I need to be able to talk to you about what I’m feeling.”
Dad:
“Son, hush, don’t you have a roof over your head? You have clothes on your back, food on the table, shoes on your feet. Back in my day, we did not have anything nice. Just be grateful and be quiet.”
Son:
“Ok, dad, never mind. I’ll pass the peas.”
A daughter to her mother:
“Mother, I want to talk to you about something that you did that hurt me.”
Mother:
“Little girl please be quiet. I did the best I could. Don’t you have nice things? I’m working, cooking, and cleaning. I am tired. Why are you always bringing up old stuff? I thought we let that go a long time ago. Are you just being dramatic? Now, pass the peas.”
What your family is saying that we are not equipped to deal with you or your issues. Families continue to act as if everything ok and pass the peas, all the while people are hurting. People in this type of family are emotionally violent, emotionally detached, enablers, and unhealthy people. They are not in a place mentally to be a safe space. It is easier for dysfunctional families to pretend these issues do not exist. Toxic people avoid accountability at all costs. It is too shameful to look within so they project their insecurities, shame, guilt, jealousy, critical, and hate-filled ways onto you. Dysfunctional families always have a scapegoat to make it appear as if YOU are the reason for their issues. HOWEVER, EVEN WITHOUT YOU THE ISSUES STILL EXIST.
Our families are so dysfunctional and so engulfed in generational curses that they embrace the abuser and outcast the person that was abused.
How are we affected:
If a man rapes or touched your son now he is walking around with the spirit of perversion and homosexuality. He’s fighting himself and that spirit because it is out of God’s image and design for us. He has nowhere to turn and does not know what to do with these feelings.
If a daughter was sexually abused, she may find herself looking for love in all the wrong places. This sets the tone for her future relationships with unemotionally available men. She wrestles with the spirit of abandonment, fear, anxiety, and rejection until the curses are broken.
A woman who was sexually abused by another woman may subconsciously begin having an attraction towards women. She is now possessed with the spirit of homosexuality, lust, and perversion. She has no idea why. She believes she was born this way. (Although God made us in HIS image.)
We wrestle with so many issues because of sin and disobedience, some through no fault of our own. These spirits are passed from our ancestors to our parents, to our generation, our children’s generation, and our children’s children generation. With each generation, the spirits grow stronger and stronger. Sin gives demons and principalities legal access to you. It is opening God’s hedge of protection around you and giving those spirits a right to operate in you. Without repentance and obedience to our Heavenly Father, we are subject to demonic forces in and around us.
Another scenario:
Many churchgoers find themselves at church and the preacher is telling you to GO GET IT! GO GET YOUR BLESSING! For a moment, the person seems to change. But as soon as they drive off the parking lot, many go back to their same old ways. Most of the church is pretending – undelivered and ill-equipped in spiritual warfare. There is little to no spiritual growth and no heart to grow closer to Christ year after year.
Abuse and lack of spiritual knowledge are so normalized in our culture, society, families, and relationships. It’s time to break the chains.
How we overcome:
Healthy families and relationships communicate. Even about the hard conversations. It is not blaming when you bring abuse or issues to the forefront. You cannot heal from what is swept under the rug. Do not live in guilt or shame for bringing up issues that affect you.
-Acknowledge what was done and what you need to do to heal. Set healthy boundaries.
-Discuss challenges and do not enable abusers or abusive behavior.
-Have conversations with safe people. When enablers make excuses for abusers stop the conversation. (Well, you know how your dad is; But that is your family, etc.). This is not a safe or healthy-minded person. Find your tribe. You need ppl who support your healing journey.
-Understand you will have to fight for your healing if your family is still toxic and narcissistic. You may have to go “No Contact” so the blinders can be removed from your eyes. Be prepared to lose close “family” and “friendships”. Not everyone will go with you on your journey. There is no love lost. It is simply time to move on. It will be painful. It will be isolating at times, but it is so worth it!
Warriors fight:
Fight with the sword of the spirit, God’s Holy Spirit, or you will succumb to the enemy. You cannot win a battle that you do not know you are in. You do not have to live with curses strongholds generational curses. Come out of agreement with sin. Repent and turn away from those who are not healthy and are toxic so that you can heal. GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU ABUSED! Study God’s Word and learn about spiritual warfare. The bible and the Holy Spirit is your sword and your weapon. Train to use your weapons!
God gives you rest and perfect peace. No matter what happened in your family it is up to you to heal and you can break the chains of narcissistic abuse. Begin your journey of healing today!
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Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse: Blindsided
We often hear the term “narcissist,” but what does it mean? Many individuals who are leaving and healing from relationships, especially romantic ones, with people who are narcissists. I was married to a narcissist and could not believe the things I was facing. It felt like an out of body experience.
IDENTIFYING INDIVIDUALS WITH NARCISSISM
So just what traits does someone with narcissism have, and what does that person look like in the early stages of dating? Studies suggest that 1% of the general population (2-16% of the psychiatric population) has a narcissistic personality, while an even greater number exhibit typical traits of narcissism (Brown, 2013). In addition, although 75% of people with narcissism are found to be male, women can also be narcissists.
Narcissism is defined as an excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others; grandiosity; arrogance; absence of the ability to empathize and experience reciprocity in relationships; the intense need for admiration/attention to fill very low self-esteem; impaired relationships resulting in parasitic/predatory behaviors designed to fill one’s self-esteem in the form of narcissistic supply (DSM-IV).
CHARACTERISTICS OF THE RELATIONSHIP
The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. Those who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of posttraumatic stress.
Not only are they grieving the loss of the relationship, but they are also processing the unreality of a “fake relationship.” Furthermore, often psychological abuse (and sometimes physical and sexual abuse) has permeated the relationship. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future.
PROTECT YOURSELF
So how does one avoid encountering someone with narcissism? I would suggest being particularly cautious with the pacing of dating. If you’re using a dating website, exercise extreme caution when meeting up with a dating partner for the first several dates until you feel you know the individual (i.e. meet in a public place).
If the dating partner attempts to rush the relationship, that is a red flag. An individual who respects your boundaries will work with you to slowly progress the relationship at a pace that is mutually agreed upon. Just because initially there is a highly seductive “zing” quality to the attraction does not mean that the dating partner is healthy. To protect yourself from someone who may end up behaving out of narcissism, it is best to allow the connection to unfold slowly and observe to see if actions and words are matching up.Resources:
- Deliverance and Spiritual Warfare Manual: A Comprehensive Guide to Living Free by John Eckhardt
- Lisaescott.com: The Path Forward online forum and support network for survivors of narcissistic abuse
- Baggagereclaim.com: A website dedicated to individuals healing from relationships with emotionally-unavailable people (including narcissists)
- Outofthefog.com: A website with support and resources for people moving forward from abusive relationships
- Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
- Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
- Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare
- Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PhD
- Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward
- Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW
- The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW
- Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move On by Cynthia Zayn and Kevin Dibble
- Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, LCSW
- Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason, MS
- Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
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5 Things Children of Narcissists Wish Everyone Would Stop Saying
1. All parents love their children.
Because our core beliefs about family and society rest on ideals of unconditional parental love, in particular motherly love, acknowledging the truth that not all parents love their children or support their best interests is threatening to our fundamental sense of order and safety in the world. Yet it is this impulse to deny reality that enables abuse and further harms victims.
2. Just tell your parents how you feel.
Confiding our feelings with people we care about can be a powerful way to build understanding and intimacy, but it is not safe with a narcissistic parent. Because of their profound self-involvement, lack of empathy, exaggerated entitlement, and need to prop themselves up at others’ expense, narcissistic parents typically regard their children’s feelings as selfish, unreasonable, and threatening, even in infancy. Often such parents use their children’s feelings against them to manipulate, exploit, or humiliate them.
3. Kids always blame their parents.
The reality of human psychology is that kids deny flaws in their parents and blame themselves for their parents’ shortcomings in order to preserve whatever care giving they can get and optimize their chances of survival. The compulsion to deny and self-blame is in fact so great that survivors typically struggle long into adulthood to acknowledge their parents’ inability to love them, adding to their suffering and making recovery more difficult.
4. But your parents are so great.
Narcissists’ defense mechanism is built around presenting an idealized “perfect” public image to win favor and insulate them from potential criticism or rejection. It is common for outsiders, even therapists, to fail to recognize the angry, controlling, and deluded narcissistic personality below the surface of the appealing or ingratiating persona.
5. Try to see it from your parents’ perspective.
A defining feature of pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder is ruthless self-interest and a refusal to validate the perspectives of others, particularly family members. For children of narcissists, every day is an exercise in seeing things from their parents’ perspective with little to no validation of their own needs or feelings.
To help spare narcissistically abused children and the adults they grow into further trauma and isolation, we can begin by stepping back from our own facile assumptions and forms of denial to acknowledge the more complex realities that exist in families and relationships. When we have the courage to face unpleasant truths, we become more open, compassionate, and attuned to the experience and needs of those around us.
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Narcissistic Family Enmeshment
Enmeshment describes family relationships that lack boundaries such that roles and expectations are confused, parents are overly and inappropriately reliant on their children for support, and children are not allowed to become emotionally independent or separate from their parents. Family members are emotionally fused in an unhealthy way.
Commons signs and symptoms of enmeshment
If you grew up in an enmeshed family, these common signs of enmeshment will be familiar to you. You will likely have a history of narcissistic relationships – as you were groomed with a high tolerance for abuse. This behavior is subconsciously repeated until you awaken to the patterns and cut the narcissist(s) out of your life. No contact is the way to go to regain your strength and sense of self.
- There is a lack of emotional and physical boundaries.
- Your family places the picture-perfect image above your well-being.
- You are always tasked to forgive and let go quickly.
- Your family never apologizes or think they are wrong.
- You enable others and make excuses for their behavior.
- You try to avoid conflicts and don’t know how to say “no”.
- You feel a constant sense of guilt and/or shame.
- You are the family scapegoat for the family’s issues.
- You don’t think about what’s best for you or what you want; it’s always about pleasing or taking care of others.
- You feel responsible for other people’s happiness and well-being.
- You’re guilted or shamed if you want less contact or you make a choice that’s good for you such as moving across the country for a great job opportunity.
- Your parents’ self-worth seems to hinge on your success or accomplishments. They live vicariously through you.
- Your parents want to know everything about your life.
- Your parents’ lives center around yours.
- Your parents don’t encourage you to follow your dreams and may impose their ideas on what you should be doing.
- Family members overshare personal experiences and feelings in a way that creates unrealistic expectations, unhealthy dependence, and confusing roles. Often, enmeshed parents treat their children as friends, rely on them for emotional support, and share inappropriate personal information.
- You feel like you have to meet your parents’ expectations, perhaps giving up your own goals because they don’t approve.
- You don’t have a strong sense of who you are.
- You absorb other people’s feelings and feel like you need to fix other people’s problems.
What causes enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a dysfunctional family dynamic that is passed through generational curses. We tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they’re familiar. Enmeshment usually originates due to some sort of trauma or illness (addiction, mental illness, a seriously ill child who is overprotected). However, because it’s usually a generational pattern, you may not be able to pinpoint the origins of enmeshment in your family. It’s more important to identify ways that enmeshment is causing difficulties for you and work to change those dynamics in your relationships.
Families need boundaries
Boundaries establish appropriate roles – who is responsible for what in family dynamics. Boundaries create physical and emotional space between family members. Boundaries create safety in families. They reflect respect for everyone’s needs and feelings, they communicate clear expectations, and they establish what’s okay to do and what’s not.
As a child grows up, boundaries should gradually shift to allow for more autonomy, greater privacy, developing his/her own beliefs and values, and so forth. In healthy families, children are encouraged to become emotionally independent – to separate, pursue their goals, and become themselves – not to become extensions of their parents (sharing their feelings, beliefs, values) or to take care of their parents.
In enmeshed families, these kinds of healthy boundaries don’t exist. Parents overshare personal information. They don’t respect privacy. They rely on their child for emotional support or friendship. They don’t allow children to make their own decisions and mistakes. Children aren’t encouraged to explore their own identities, become emotionally mature, and separate from their parents.
This burdens children with:
- the responsibility of taking care of their parents (often when they aren’t emotionally mature enough to do so)
- role confusion (children are expected to take care of their parents and/or are treated as friends or confidants)
- prioritizing their parents’ needs above their own
- a lack of respect for their feelings, needs, and individuality
Children need to individuate from their parents
To become a mature and emotionally healthy adult, you have to individuate and become independent from your parents. Individuation is the process of separating yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. Individuation is the process of becoming an individual, not just an extension of your parents.
The process of normal individuation is obvious in adolescents. This is the time when we typically start spending more time with friends. We experiment with our style and appearance. We recognize that we don’t have to believe the same things our parents believe. We gain clarity about our values, beliefs, and interests and can express them and act on them. We make more decisions for ourselves. In other words, we start to figure out who we are as unique individuals and look to the outside world for greater opportunities.
In enmeshed families, individuation is limited. You’re likely to get stuck in an emotionally dependent, child-like state. This creates a strange juxtaposition of being undifferentiated and emotionally immature yet also parentified (treated like a friend or surrogate spouse).
Enmeshment is confusing
Enmeshment can be confused with healthy closeness, especially if it’s all you’ve known. Enmeshment creates an emotional bond, dependence, and intimate connection among family members. But it’s not a healthy dependence or connection. It’s based on using people to meet your emotional needs and not allowing them to become fully themselves. Adults shouldn’t use their children (or others) to make themselves feel valued and safe.
The legacy of enmeshment
In addition to the issues mentioned above, enmeshment can cause a variety of other problems such as these.
- Approval-seeking and low self-worth
- Fear of abandonment
- Anxiety
- Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.
- Not pursuing your goals
- Being saddled with inappropriate guilt and responsibility
- Having a hard time speaking up for yourself
- Codependent relationships
- Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset
- Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves
Ending enmeshment
If you grew up in an enmeshed family, you’ve probably replicated enmeshment and codependency in your other relationships. However, this doesn’t mean you’re doomed to dysfunctional relationships forever. Below are four components of reversing enmeshment and becoming a healthier, more authentic YOU.
1. Set boundaries.
Learning to set boundaries is imperative if you’re going to change enmeshed relationships. Boundaries create a healthy separation between you and others. We need physical boundaries (such as personal space, privacy, and the right to refuse a hug or other physical touch) and emotional boundaries (such as the right to have our own feelings, to say “no”, to be treated with respect, or not answer a call from a toxic person).
To get started, you’ll need to identify the specific boundaries that you need. Notice when you feel guilty, resentful, unappreciated, or angry. Explore what’s underneath these feelings – there’s a good chance there was a boundary violation. I will link a post to books that help break generational curses and help you to create boundaries with toxic people.
2. Discover who you are.
Enmeshment prevents us from developing a strong sense of self. As a result, you may not have a clear sense of who you are, what matters to you, what you want to do, and so forth. You may feel obligated to do what pleases other people and stifle your interests, goals, and dreams because others wouldn’t approve or understand.
An important part of separating yourself from an enmeshed relationship is to discover who you really are. What are your interests, values, goals? What are your strengths? What do you feel passionate about? Where do you like to vacation? What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? If you weren’t encouraged to cultivate your own interests and beliefs, this can be an uncomfortable process. It can stir up feelings of guilt or betrayal. But despite what others have told you, it’s not selfish to put yourself first. It’s not wrong to have your own opinions and preferences – and to act on them.
3. Stop feeling guilty.
Narcissists know that empathetic and emotionally abused people often feel guilt for simply being born. This comes from a narcissistic caregiver. Guilt can be a huge barrier to setting boundaries, being assertive, developing a separate sense of self, and doing what’s right for you – not what’s right according to others. Guilt is often used as a manipulation tactic in enmeshed families. We are told that we’re wrong, selfish, or uncaring if we go against the grain. Over time, most of us internalize this guilt and come to believe that setting boundaries or having our own opinions is wrong. This kind of false belief is often so embedded that it’s the hardest aspect of enmeshment to overcome.
The first step in changing it is to recognize that guilt and self-criticism are not helpful or accurate reflections of reality. Notice how often you feel guilty and how often guilt dictates your behavior. Then try to challenge the distorted thoughts that perpetuate feelings of guilt. Changing and rewiring your subconscious thoughts will be critical. This is where the false belief that “struggle love” and that love and abuse can coexist lie.
4. Get support.
Breaking free of enmeshment is tough because it’s probably a relationship pattern you’ve known since birth – and those that benefit from your enmeshment are certain to try to make it difficult for you to change. Getting help from a professional therapist or a support group is invaluable for learning new skills and reducing guilt and shame.
Changing enmeshed family dynamics can be overwhelming. However, enmeshment exists on a continuum and so does the healing process. Ask God to help you on your journey. You will need the strength and He will place the people you need to successfully recover. You may have to go No Contact with your family. Psalms 27:10 states, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.” God will be on your side. The excuse “That’s your family” is no longer acceptable. It’s time to choose you. It will hurt. There will be highs and lows, but it certainly gets easier. It will be the most rewarding experience of your life!
