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Who taught you that abuse was ok?

Who taught you that it was ok to be around people that continually hurt you?

One thing I know for certain is that dysfunctional families love to have get-togethers! This creates an environment where molesters sit across the dinner table from the very people they molested and abusers sit comfortably around the people they abuse. No one brings up any issues that need to be discussed within the family. Everyone pretends that all is good for social media and family portraits. Problems are not discussed or members talk behind each other’s backs. It is home that we learn to sit with trauma and put band-aids on gaping wounds.

This is where we learn the false belief that love and abuse can coexist. Most people who marry or date narcissistic, toxic, or emotionally unavailable partners are unaware that this belief was learned subconsciously in their childhood.

When we find the courage to tell someone, our stories are not believed, or the abuse is minimized. Oftentimes they are just swept under the rug, – or better yet, the family “handles” the abuse internally. We are invalidated over and over and because we love our abusers or toxic people, we push our emotions down and we learn to just go on.

So, in essence, you learn to pass the peas and be quiet.

Narcissists follow a distinct pattern:

Groom

Manipulate

Gaslight

Project

Invalidate

Discredit

Devalue

Discard

Remember that abuse is hitting, blocking, groping, touching inappropriately, bullying, unwanted advances, projection, name-calling, trying to control, isolating, guilting, shaming, lying, denying the truth, silent treatment, playing the victim, gaslighting, isolation, etc. It is acting dumbfounded because you do not want to validate the other’s point of view. It is attempting to gaslight and make the other person feel crazy. Abuse is so normalized that most people are not even aware they are in abusive situations or families.

When you are traumatized you just want things to be ok, to go back to “normal” so you feel safe. So you learn to just be quiet and play small. But this is not normal.

You learn to stay around people who are not good for you in efforts to keep the peace. The bible shows us bad company corrupts good character. (Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33.) It is not only biblical, but it is wise to distance yourself from those who are unrepentant and abusive emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, and/or physically. It is protecting yourself, your energy, and your spirit man.

Jesus cast demons out and we see examples of his healing throughout the New Testament. He did not entertain or keep company with people who were inhabited and walking in agreement with evil spirits. He cast them out. Narcissists have the spirit of Jezebel, a demonic force of the principality of Baal. This is a highly deceptive, pathological, diabolical, seductive, charming, and conniving spirit. They can fool anyone, especially those without the Holy Spirit. Once a person gives way to this spirit, you must fast, pray, and engage in spiritual warfare to break soul ties, as well as, the chains of abuse and generational curses.

It now boggles my mind when I see people who are repeatedly and blatantly hurt by someone they “love” and they STILL want to be around this person. I understand that this is learned codependent behavior. We learn at an early age to be around abusive people, to forgive without repentance (which is unbiblical), and give multiple chances to those who show us they do not truly love us. Neither party knows what love is. This sends the signal that it’s ok. We were taught we choose family over everything (idolatry) and that family is more important than our mental health (soul ties).

This is a common scenario during the holidays in families:

Ok everyone let’s get together! Dinner will be served at 6 pm sharp. The menu consists of turkey and dressing, ham, jambalaya, macaroni and cheese, cornbread, peas, and salad.

We are all going to smile and laugh and you – my dear, will pretend as if you are healed from horrendous things that have been done to you. Please do not bring up any issues. This is not the time…(By the way, there will never be a good time.) However, we still want you to come around and act as if we are perfect. Please be prepared to wear your “fun” mask and go along with upholding the family image. Now, we will warn you – if you try to discuss issues or things that make us uncomfortable, we will just pretend we don’t hear you and we may discard you and go on as if you never existed. (Insert the family laugh track).

Now pass the peas.

When you try to hold anyone accountable, we’ll just say you’re crazy and use you as a scapegoat.

We will say you’re lying, that you are a troublemaker, that you are trying to break up our beloved, dysfunctional family.

We will accuse you of being promiscuous, mean, unforgiving, jealous, bitter, or unstable. Any or all will do. 

Now pass the peas.

An example of the dialogue:

A little girl to her mother:

“Mother, Dad raped me.”

Mother to her daughter:

“SHHH, that never happened. You have such a vivid imagination. Besides, your father is such a great provider. Pass the peas.

A son to his mother:

“Mom, Uncle Roger is touching me and making me do inappropriate things.”

Mother:

“Hush, no he did not! He’s a minister and a community activist! The man I know would never do that! Keep this between us two. Now pass the peas and walk it off. ”

A daughter to her father:

“Dad, your best friend touched me inappropriately.”

Dad:

“Pull down your skirt. You know that’s how he is and you also know better than to sit on a grown man’s lap. Now pass the peas.”

A nephew to his aunt:

“Auntie, your friend is looking at me and saying sexual things.”

Aunt:

“Oh, she’s like that with everyone. She’s just flirty. She’s like that with everyone. Now pass the peas.”

A niece to uncle:

“Uncle Peter, my dad is touching me.”

Uncle:

“Well, that is my brother.”

{{Says & does absolutely nothing}} “Pass the peas.”

A son to his father:

“Dad, I need to be able to talk to you about what I’m feeling.”

Dad:

“Son, hush, don’t you have a roof over your head? You have clothes on your back, food on the table, shoes on your feet. Back in my day, we did not have anything nice. Just be grateful and be quiet.”

Son:

“Ok, dad, never mind. I’ll pass the peas.”

A daughter to her mother:

“Mother, I want to talk to you about something that you did that hurt me.”

Mother:

“Little girl please be quiet. I did the best I could. Don’t you have nice things? I’m working, cooking, and cleaning. I am tired. Why are you always bringing up old stuff? I thought we let that go a long time ago. Are you just being dramatic? Now, pass the peas.”

What your family is saying that we are not equipped to deal with you or your issues. Families continue to act as if everything ok and pass the peas, all the while people are hurting. People in this type of family are emotionally violent, emotionally detached, enablers, and unhealthy people. They are not in a place mentally to be a safe space. It is easier for dysfunctional families to pretend these issues do not exist. Toxic people avoid accountability at all costs. It is too shameful to look within so they project their insecurities, shame, guilt, jealousy, critical, and hate-filled ways onto you. Dysfunctional families always have a scapegoat to make it appear as if YOU are the reason for their issues. HOWEVER, EVEN WITHOUT YOU THE ISSUES STILL EXIST.

Our families are so dysfunctional and so engulfed in generational curses that they embrace the abuser and outcast the person that was abused.

How are we affected:

If a man rapes or touched your son now he is walking around with the spirit of perversion and homosexuality. He’s fighting himself and that spirit because it is out of God’s image and design for us. He has nowhere to turn and does not know what to do with these feelings.

If a daughter was sexually abused, she may find herself looking for love in all the wrong places. This sets the tone for her future relationships with unemotionally available men. She wrestles with the spirit of abandonment, fear, anxiety, and rejection until the curses are broken.

A woman who was sexually abused by another woman may subconsciously begin having an attraction towards women. She is now possessed with the spirit of homosexuality, lust, and perversion. She has no idea why. She believes she was born this way. (Although God made us in HIS image.)

We wrestle with so many issues because of sin and disobedience, some through no fault of our own. These spirits are passed from our ancestors to our parents, to our generation, our children’s generation, and our children’s children generation. With each generation, the spirits grow stronger and stronger. Sin gives demons and principalities legal access to you. It is opening God’s hedge of protection around you and giving those spirits a right to operate in you. Without repentance and obedience to our Heavenly Father, we are subject to demonic forces in and around us.

Another scenario:

Many churchgoers find themselves at church and the preacher is telling you to GO GET IT! GO GET YOUR BLESSING! For a moment, the person seems to change. But as soon as they drive off the parking lot, many go back to their same old ways. Most of the church is pretending – undelivered and ill-equipped in spiritual warfare. There is little to no spiritual growth and no heart to grow closer to Christ year after year.

Abuse and lack of spiritual knowledge are so normalized in our culture, society, families, and relationships. It’s time to break the chains.

How we overcome:

Healthy families and relationships communicate. Even about the hard conversations. It is not blaming when you bring abuse or issues to the forefront. You cannot heal from what is swept under the rug. Do not live in guilt or shame for bringing up issues that affect you.

-Acknowledge what was done and what you need to do to heal. Set healthy boundaries.

-Discuss challenges and do not enable abusers or abusive behavior.

-Have conversations with safe people. When enablers make excuses for abusers stop the conversation. (Well, you know how your dad is; But that is your family, etc.). This is not a safe or healthy-minded person. Find your tribe. You need ppl who support your healing journey.

-Understand you will have to fight for your healing if your family is still toxic and narcissistic. You may have to go “No Contact” so the blinders can be removed from your eyes. Be prepared to lose close “family” and “friendships”. Not everyone will go with you on your journey. There is no love lost. It is simply time to move on. It will be painful. It will be isolating at times, but it is so worth it!

Warriors fight:

Fight with the sword of the spirit, God’s Holy Spirit, or you will succumb to the enemy. You cannot win a battle that you do not know you are in. You do not have to live with curses strongholds generational curses. Come out of agreement with sin. Repent and turn away from those who are not healthy and are toxic so that you can heal. GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU ABUSED! Study God’s Word and learn about spiritual warfare. The bible and the Holy Spirit is your sword and your weapon. Train to use your weapons!

God gives you rest and perfect peace. No matter what happened in your family it is up to you to heal and you can break the chains of narcissistic abuse. Begin your journey of healing today!