Narcissist Abuse
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Narcissists and the Facade
Narcissists, sociopaths, & psychopaths go to great lengths to hide their true selves. Their only purpose in life is to kill, steal, & destroy. Their true nature (Jezebel & other demonic spirits) is the one that you do not see. Only those who have experienced the narcissistic rage have witnessed evil personified face to face. It is a great risk to come forward. Narcissists are both highly predictable & unpredictable. People are simply resources & narcissistic supply. That’s it. They live in an alternate reality where they interchange people like characters in a play. If you go along with their version of reality you are rewarded by their presence in your life. If you go against the grain and try to hold a narcissistic person accountable for anything the true self (demonic spirit) overtakes the false persona. This is why all people who have intimate or close relationships with them can attest to their “Jekyll & Hyde” personality.
They are charming, sweet, funny in one minute, and the next they are rage-filled, combative, and defensive. Always keep in mind THE FALSE SELF WILL PROTECT THE FACADE & IMAGE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. This is why they are very suspicious & always looking for intelligence on their victims. When they cannot find anything, they will just make it up. All along throughout the duration of the relationship, they have dropped little lies here sprinkled with a bit of truth about anyone & everyone. They have zero loyalty to anyone but themselves. No one is safe- not a spouse, not their children, their parents, or friends. If they sense they are close to exposure they up the anty and go full blast with the smear campaign. This is a blatant full force attack on your character.
They want power and control over everyone in their sphere of influence. When they can no longer control you or use your resources, they have no use for you & discard you in the worst way. When they no longer have power on you & your thoughts they then try to control how others view you. Make no mistake everything you are accused of is EVERYTHING that the narc is doing.
They use guilt, shame, and projection. If you are accused of cheating, trust, and believe the narc is the cheater. If they say everyone believes you are crazy, the narc knows they are crazy & irrational. They do not like to be called crazy. They will play the victim and pretend to be so hurt. Most survivors do not want to be victims. But the narc is a perpetual victim & takes advantage of others’ naivety. Most people have no clue and are unable to discern lies from truth. This is why the Holy Spirit is so important in a believer’s life. If you ask the Holy Spirit will show you who a person truly is. It is up to you to act on what is revealed to you.
When a survivor comes forward know that we are doing so with great risk. However, God will protect you. Never underestimate anyone. There are a lot of people who are no longer on this earth because they underestimated a sociopathic person. Narcs love no one. Not even themselves. They have no empathy and are empty & soulless inside. The person you think you know is not there. They are highly disordered and inherently evil. Yes, they know this. No, they do not want to change. No, you cannot help them. No, you cannot change them.
It is best to go No Contact or Grey Rock with narcissistic people. Understand, that you are going to lose ppl that you love, but trust that God will replace them. Once you take the scales off, you see narcissistic traits much more easily. Demons should not be comfortable in your presence.
Narcissists mirror you back to you. This is why people falsely believe they have found their “soulmate”. They are simply taking cues from you so they fit in and disguise themselves. You think they are nice and sweet. Whatever you are unhealed from they use it against you. If you have a mother wound they will use women against you. If you have a father wound they will use men against you. They find out all about you or if you make the mistake of telling them what you desire in a partner, they pretend to be everything your heart desires. This is why HEALING IS SO IMPORTANT.
They have no original thoughts. They are a collective force of everyone they have attached themselves to. If you showed them a restaurant, they take the new supply to that exact same place. Women will copy another woman and mimic her style and personality. They have no emotions. They cry on demand. You feel something because you are a normal person. They don’t. They are acting.
How do you begin to break away and heal? Ask for God’s hedge of protection and to break the soul ties, even with family or platonic relationships. Acknowledge all known and unknown sins and repent from them. Call them out if you know them. Come out of agreement with them. Pray a deliverance prayer. Tell God that you want Him to reveal what you are dealing with. Ask for God to forgive you and forgive those that hurt you. This is a choice and it does not mean that you will feel like forgiving every day. Disobedience gives spirits legal access to you. Set yourself apart from this world. Read & study God’s word. Once you cast spirits out, they will return with 7 more spirits seven times stronger than the first. This is another reason you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
God will keep you and protect you. No weapon formed against you shall prosper!
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Do Not Play The Fool
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Narcissists & Decepticons have shown you who they are – in some cases, over and over. At first, you did not know what you were dealing with.Now that you know, it is your CHOICE to continue the relationship.- For example, you were fooled by the charm, the seductive appeal, and the smooth conversation. You were fooled by her charisma, the way she dressed, and the way she led you to believe you found your “soulmate”. While you were loving her she was using you, draining you and your resources.
- You were duped by the “Christian” church member or leader who knows scripture front & back, all while living a false life with a false self. In the public eye, they appear to be spiritual, jovial, and charming but behind closed doors, they lead double lives, full of promiscuous behavior and filthy language – preaching in the pulpit about everything that they do not practice at home.
- You were fooled by the coworker that took you under his/her wing. They showed you the ropes at the office, only to steal your ideas & throw you under the bus at the first opportunity. Now you know.
- Now you aware awakened and are aware of the love-bombing, the pathological lies, the smear campaigns. You know how the sympathy card is played to draw you in. You know how they twist and play on words. You know how they play innocent publicly, all while tearing you & others down privately. You know how they saw you coming, stalked & groomed you. You saw how they got close & cozy with YOUR circle, YOUR friends, YOUR family, & YOUR network within YOUR sphere of influence.
- Make no mistake it was all by design. You may say: “Oh, (insert name here) wouldn’t do that to me. Look at all I have done, all that we have been through.” YES, HE WOULD. YES, SHE WOULD. HE DID & SHE DID. Narcs DO NOT think like regular people. That is all by design.
But now you know. You know about the betrayal, the heartbreak, the deception, the craftiness, the lies, the manipulation. When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE them. A snake will ALWAYS be a snake: keep your grass low and the snakes will show. An open enemy is better than a fake friend. CUT THEM OUT or they will continue to CUT YOU. The choice is yours.
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Who Taught You That? Pass The Peas
🗣Ⓟ Ⓐ Ⓢ Ⓢ 👉🏾Ⓣ Ⓗ Ⓔ 👉🏾Ⓟ Ⓔ Ⓐ Ⓢ
Who taught you that abuse was ok?
Who taught you that it was ok to be around people that continually hurt you?
One thing I know for certain is that dysfunctional families love to have get-togethers! This creates an environment where molesters sit across the dinner table from the very people they molested and abusers sit comfortably around the people they abuse. No one brings up any issues that need to be discussed within the family. Everyone pretends that all is good for social media and family portraits. Problems are not discussed or members talk behind each other’s backs. It is home that we learn to sit with trauma and put band-aids on gaping wounds.
This is where we learn the false belief that love and abuse can coexist. Most people who marry or date narcissistic, toxic, or emotionally unavailable partners are unaware that this belief was learned subconsciously in their childhood.
When we find the courage to tell someone, our stories are not believed, or the abuse is minimized. Oftentimes they are just swept under the rug, – or better yet, the family “handles” the abuse internally. We are invalidated over and over and because we love our abusers or toxic people, we push our emotions down and we learn to just go on.
So, in essence, you learn to pass the peas and be quiet.
Narcissists follow a distinct pattern:
Groom
Manipulate
Gaslight
Project
Invalidate
Discredit
Devalue
Discard
Remember that abuse is hitting, blocking, groping, touching inappropriately, bullying, unwanted advances, projection, name-calling, trying to control, isolating, guilting, shaming, lying, denying the truth, silent treatment, playing the victim, gaslighting, isolation, etc. It is acting dumbfounded because you do not want to validate the other’s point of view. It is attempting to gaslight and make the other person feel crazy. Abuse is so normalized that most people are not even aware they are in abusive situations or families.
When you are traumatized you just want things to be ok, to go back to “normal” so you feel safe. So you learn to just be quiet and play small. But this is not normal.
You learn to stay around people who are not good for you in efforts to keep the peace. The bible shows us bad company corrupts good character. (Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33.) It is not only biblical, but it is wise to distance yourself from those who are unrepentant and abusive emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, and/or physically. It is protecting yourself, your energy, and your spirit man.
Jesus cast demons out and we see examples of his healing throughout the New Testament. He did not entertain or keep company with people who were inhabited and walking in agreement with evil spirits. He cast them out. Narcissists have the spirit of Jezebel, a demonic force of the principality of Baal. This is a highly deceptive, pathological, diabolical, seductive, charming, and conniving spirit. They can fool anyone, especially those without the Holy Spirit. Once a person gives way to this spirit, you must fast, pray, and engage in spiritual warfare to break soul ties, as well as, the chains of abuse and generational curses.
It now boggles my mind when I see people who are repeatedly and blatantly hurt by someone they “love” and they STILL want to be around this person. I understand that this is learned codependent behavior. We learn at an early age to be around abusive people, to forgive without repentance (which is unbiblical), and give multiple chances to those who show us they do not truly love us. Neither party knows what love is. This sends the signal that it’s ok. We were taught we choose family over everything (idolatry) and that family is more important than our mental health (soul ties).
This is a common scenario during the holidays in families:
Ok everyone let’s get together! Dinner will be served at 6 pm sharp. The menu consists of turkey and dressing, ham, jambalaya, macaroni and cheese, cornbread, peas, and salad.
We are all going to smile and laugh and you – my dear, will pretend as if you are healed from horrendous things that have been done to you. Please do not bring up any issues. This is not the time…(By the way, there will never be a good time.) However, we still want you to come around and act as if we are perfect. Please be prepared to wear your “fun” mask and go along with upholding the family image. Now, we will warn you – if you try to discuss issues or things that make us uncomfortable, we will just pretend we don’t hear you and we may discard you and go on as if you never existed. (Insert the family laugh track).
Now pass the peas.
When you try to hold anyone accountable, we’ll just say you’re crazy and use you as a scapegoat.
We will say you’re lying, that you are a troublemaker, that you are trying to break up our beloved, dysfunctional family.
We will accuse you of being promiscuous, mean, unforgiving, jealous, bitter, or unstable. Any or all will do.
Now pass the peas.
An example of the dialogue:
A little girl to her mother:
“Mother, Dad raped me.”
Mother to her daughter:
“SHHH, that never happened. You have such a vivid imagination. Besides, your father is such a great provider. Pass the peas.
A son to his mother:
“Mom, Uncle Roger is touching me and making me do inappropriate things.”
Mother:
“Hush, no he did not! He’s a minister and a community activist! The man I know would never do that! Keep this between us two. Now pass the peas and walk it off. ”
A daughter to her father:
“Dad, your best friend touched me inappropriately.”
Dad:
“Pull down your skirt. You know that’s how he is and you also know better than to sit on a grown man’s lap. Now pass the peas.”
A nephew to his aunt:
“Auntie, your friend is looking at me and saying sexual things.”
Aunt:
“Oh, she’s like that with everyone. She’s just flirty. She’s like that with everyone. Now pass the peas.”
A niece to uncle:
“Uncle Peter, my dad is touching me.”
Uncle:
“Well, that is my brother.”
{{Says & does absolutely nothing}} “Pass the peas.”
A son to his father:
“Dad, I need to be able to talk to you about what I’m feeling.”
Dad:
“Son, hush, don’t you have a roof over your head? You have clothes on your back, food on the table, shoes on your feet. Back in my day, we did not have anything nice. Just be grateful and be quiet.”
Son:
“Ok, dad, never mind. I’ll pass the peas.”
A daughter to her mother:
“Mother, I want to talk to you about something that you did that hurt me.”
Mother:
“Little girl please be quiet. I did the best I could. Don’t you have nice things? I’m working, cooking, and cleaning. I am tired. Why are you always bringing up old stuff? I thought we let that go a long time ago. Are you just being dramatic? Now, pass the peas.”
What your family is saying that we are not equipped to deal with you or your issues. Families continue to act as if everything ok and pass the peas, all the while people are hurting. People in this type of family are emotionally violent, emotionally detached, enablers, and unhealthy people. They are not in a place mentally to be a safe space. It is easier for dysfunctional families to pretend these issues do not exist. Toxic people avoid accountability at all costs. It is too shameful to look within so they project their insecurities, shame, guilt, jealousy, critical, and hate-filled ways onto you. Dysfunctional families always have a scapegoat to make it appear as if YOU are the reason for their issues. HOWEVER, EVEN WITHOUT YOU THE ISSUES STILL EXIST.
Our families are so dysfunctional and so engulfed in generational curses that they embrace the abuser and outcast the person that was abused.
How are we affected:
If a man rapes or touched your son now he is walking around with the spirit of perversion and homosexuality. He’s fighting himself and that spirit because it is out of God’s image and design for us. He has nowhere to turn and does not know what to do with these feelings.
If a daughter was sexually abused, she may find herself looking for love in all the wrong places. This sets the tone for her future relationships with unemotionally available men. She wrestles with the spirit of abandonment, fear, anxiety, and rejection until the curses are broken.
A woman who was sexually abused by another woman may subconsciously begin having an attraction towards women. She is now possessed with the spirit of homosexuality, lust, and perversion. She has no idea why. She believes she was born this way. (Although God made us in HIS image.)
We wrestle with so many issues because of sin and disobedience, some through no fault of our own. These spirits are passed from our ancestors to our parents, to our generation, our children’s generation, and our children’s children generation. With each generation, the spirits grow stronger and stronger. Sin gives demons and principalities legal access to you. It is opening God’s hedge of protection around you and giving those spirits a right to operate in you. Without repentance and obedience to our Heavenly Father, we are subject to demonic forces in and around us.
Another scenario:
Many churchgoers find themselves at church and the preacher is telling you to GO GET IT! GO GET YOUR BLESSING! For a moment, the person seems to change. But as soon as they drive off the parking lot, many go back to their same old ways. Most of the church is pretending – undelivered and ill-equipped in spiritual warfare. There is little to no spiritual growth and no heart to grow closer to Christ year after year.
Abuse and lack of spiritual knowledge are so normalized in our culture, society, families, and relationships. It’s time to break the chains.
How we overcome:
Healthy families and relationships communicate. Even about the hard conversations. It is not blaming when you bring abuse or issues to the forefront. You cannot heal from what is swept under the rug. Do not live in guilt or shame for bringing up issues that affect you.
-Acknowledge what was done and what you need to do to heal. Set healthy boundaries.
-Discuss challenges and do not enable abusers or abusive behavior.
-Have conversations with safe people. When enablers make excuses for abusers stop the conversation. (Well, you know how your dad is; But that is your family, etc.). This is not a safe or healthy-minded person. Find your tribe. You need ppl who support your healing journey.
-Understand you will have to fight for your healing if your family is still toxic and narcissistic. You may have to go “No Contact” so the blinders can be removed from your eyes. Be prepared to lose close “family” and “friendships”. Not everyone will go with you on your journey. There is no love lost. It is simply time to move on. It will be painful. It will be isolating at times, but it is so worth it!
Warriors fight:
Fight with the sword of the spirit, God’s Holy Spirit, or you will succumb to the enemy. You cannot win a battle that you do not know you are in. You do not have to live with curses strongholds generational curses. Come out of agreement with sin. Repent and turn away from those who are not healthy and are toxic so that you can heal. GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU ABUSED! Study God’s Word and learn about spiritual warfare. The bible and the Holy Spirit is your sword and your weapon. Train to use your weapons!
God gives you rest and perfect peace. No matter what happened in your family it is up to you to heal and you can break the chains of narcissistic abuse. Begin your journey of healing today!
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Narcissists in the Workplace
Narcissists in general are not easy to spot. It is highly likely you have encountered a narcissist at work, school, or church, etc. They operate covertly in public and overtly at home when they can allow their mask to fall. This lets you know, yes – they know what they are doing, they know whom to abuse, and they know when to do it. In the workplace, a narcissistic coworker may be insensitive, self-important, and egotistical. Working with a narcissist is distressing and can be disparaging to an employee’s mental health and career path.
The workplace is enamored with narcissistic executives, managers, and team members whose exaggerated sense of self and overly ambitious nature has propelled them to leadership positions in the workforce.
“Narcissism is partially about dominance. They make themselves feel big by making other people feel small,” Seth Spain says. In other words, belittling you at a meeting or sending a scathing email is more about feeding their ego than providing feedback.” Seth Spain, Binghamton University
You may recognize them on social media platforms, in the office, or break area, doing what they do best – operating in confusion and discord. For example, have you seen a LinkedIn post and the comments are generally positive? Then here comes this one person that responds condescendingly or acts as if they cannot understand a relatively simple concept? (There is always one). They crave attention whether negative or positive. My rule of thumb: do not engage with antagonistic people online, particularly those that can be removed from my life with the click of a button. Don’t feed the narcs.
Listed below are a few signs of narcissism in the workplace:
- Narcs love to name-drop and appear more self-confident than they are inside. Narcissists are extremely insecure, toxic, and damaged – although they project an image of self-assuredness. They have a seared conscious; pride and deep shame prevent them from feeling remorse, guilt, and sincerely apologizing. They lie, cheat, steal, and step on others to get ahead in efforts to gain more power and prestige. They do not see anything wrong with their actions. People are simple means to an end. When their goal is achieved, they discard until they need supply or assistance.
- Whether male or female, Black or White, young or old, narcissists seek to control, dominate, and manipulate others to achieve their goals. This is done through triangulation, gaslighting, intimidation, word salad, circular conversations, and crazymaking.
- Narcissists love gossiping and belittling others in covert ways to undermine and your ruin reputation. Their goal is to feel superior by putting others down.
- Narcissistic managers may micromanage you and your work. They want constant updates, access to you at all times, and will undermine your work.
- They like to hear themselves talk and crave to be the center of attention. They talk but rarely listen. Narcs are charming. Non-narcissistic people listen to others to find common ground, even though they may not agree. Listening requires being selfless and empathetic, which is the one thing a narcissist can never be. They pretend to care as long as you are a top performer who feeds their ego or makes them shine.
- There is little regard for your time and work efforts. Narcissist managers hold meetings any time they see fit and for however long they want to keep you. Your time is not important. They are reluctant to give credit but will take recognition for your work, all while sabotaging your reputation.
- In a narc’s mind, rules are for mere mortals, not for them. They cannot be bogged down with superfluous rules. They behave unethically in duplicitous ways and if you challenge them you will be ostracized or outcast. It is never a good idea to engage in unscrupulous behavior with a narcissist or follow unethical instructions. Narcs want your hands dirty too. This can and will be used against you later. If anything goes left, trust and believe you will take the fall as the designated scapegoat.
- Narcissists love when you fear them or when you don’t stand up for yourself. Being afraid simply reinforces their perceived power. They seek highly tolerant, enabling, self-sacrificing, and people-pleasing employees. People respect those they cannot disrespect. If anything goes left, trust and believe you will take the fall as the designated scapegoat.
Knowledge is power. You know the signs. Please understand their behavior has nothing to do with you. It is simply who they have chosen to become. If you were to peel back the onion, chances are they have left a trail of destruction. Regardless of how successful, materialistic, or powerful a narc may appear, they never live a truly satisfying life. They are tormented souls who have made a willing choice to live an unrepentant, self-centered life. Narcs need narcissist supply like we need air. They always have flying monkeys and “yes men” (enablers) around them. Conduct a self-check to make sure you are healthy, healed, and not enabling bad behavior. An unhealed person is prey to a predator. Set firm boundaries, document interactions when needed, and arm yourself with information on how to interact with narcissistic people. Stand strong and do not operate in the spirit of fear. And remember, do not feed or fear the narcs – even in the workplace. #narcfreeliving
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Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse: Blindsided
We often hear the term “narcissist,” but what does it mean? Many individuals who are leaving and healing from relationships, especially romantic ones, with people who are narcissists. I was married to a narcissist and could not believe the things I was facing. It felt like an out of body experience.
IDENTIFYING INDIVIDUALS WITH NARCISSISM
So just what traits does someone with narcissism have, and what does that person look like in the early stages of dating? Studies suggest that 1% of the general population (2-16% of the psychiatric population) has a narcissistic personality, while an even greater number exhibit typical traits of narcissism (Brown, 2013). In addition, although 75% of people with narcissism are found to be male, women can also be narcissists.
Narcissism is defined as an excessive sense of self-importance over and above the needs of others; grandiosity; arrogance; absence of the ability to empathize and experience reciprocity in relationships; the intense need for admiration/attention to fill very low self-esteem; impaired relationships resulting in parasitic/predatory behaviors designed to fill one’s self-esteem in the form of narcissistic supply (DSM-IV).
CHARACTERISTICS OF THE RELATIONSHIP
The literature on malignant narcissism is extensive, yet many are not informed about the dangers of being involved with someone whose character or actions tend toward narcissism. Those who were entangled in relationships with such individuals have more healing to do from breaks in these relationships than if they had been in relationships with healthy individuals because often these clients are manifesting symptoms of posttraumatic stress.
Not only are they grieving the loss of the relationship, but they are also processing the unreality of a “fake relationship.” Furthermore, often psychological abuse (and sometimes physical and sexual abuse) has permeated the relationship. In order to heal, psychotherapy must focus on grief work and trauma recovery, in addition to understanding the elements of the toxic relationship, so that patterns are not repeated in the future.
PROTECT YOURSELF
So how does one avoid encountering someone with narcissism? I would suggest being particularly cautious with the pacing of dating. If you’re using a dating website, exercise extreme caution when meeting up with a dating partner for the first several dates until you feel you know the individual (i.e. meet in a public place).
If the dating partner attempts to rush the relationship, that is a red flag. An individual who respects your boundaries will work with you to slowly progress the relationship at a pace that is mutually agreed upon. Just because initially there is a highly seductive “zing” quality to the attraction does not mean that the dating partner is healthy. To protect yourself from someone who may end up behaving out of narcissism, it is best to allow the connection to unfold slowly and observe to see if actions and words are matching up.Resources:
- Deliverance and Spiritual Warfare Manual: A Comprehensive Guide to Living Free by John Eckhardt
- Lisaescott.com: The Path Forward online forum and support network for survivors of narcissistic abuse
- Baggagereclaim.com: A website dedicated to individuals healing from relationships with emotionally-unavailable people (including narcissists)
- Outofthefog.com: A website with support and resources for people moving forward from abusive relationships
- Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
- Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
- Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare
- Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PhD
- Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward
- Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW
- The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW
- Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move On by Cynthia Zayn and Kevin Dibble
- Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, LCSW
- Stop Walking On Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason, MS
- Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin
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Narcissistic Family Enmeshment
Enmeshment describes family relationships that lack boundaries such that roles and expectations are confused, parents are overly and inappropriately reliant on their children for support, and children are not allowed to become emotionally independent or separate from their parents. Family members are emotionally fused in an unhealthy way.
Commons signs and symptoms of enmeshment
If you grew up in an enmeshed family, these common signs of enmeshment will be familiar to you. You will likely have a history of narcissistic relationships – as you were groomed with a high tolerance for abuse. This behavior is subconsciously repeated until you awaken to the patterns and cut the narcissist(s) out of your life. No contact is the way to go to regain your strength and sense of self.
- There is a lack of emotional and physical boundaries.
- Your family places the picture-perfect image above your well-being.
- You are always tasked to forgive and let go quickly.
- Your family never apologizes or think they are wrong.
- You enable others and make excuses for their behavior.
- You try to avoid conflicts and don’t know how to say “no”.
- You feel a constant sense of guilt and/or shame.
- You are the family scapegoat for the family’s issues.
- You don’t think about what’s best for you or what you want; it’s always about pleasing or taking care of others.
- You feel responsible for other people’s happiness and well-being.
- You’re guilted or shamed if you want less contact or you make a choice that’s good for you such as moving across the country for a great job opportunity.
- Your parents’ self-worth seems to hinge on your success or accomplishments. They live vicariously through you.
- Your parents want to know everything about your life.
- Your parents’ lives center around yours.
- Your parents don’t encourage you to follow your dreams and may impose their ideas on what you should be doing.
- Family members overshare personal experiences and feelings in a way that creates unrealistic expectations, unhealthy dependence, and confusing roles. Often, enmeshed parents treat their children as friends, rely on them for emotional support, and share inappropriate personal information.
- You feel like you have to meet your parents’ expectations, perhaps giving up your own goals because they don’t approve.
- You don’t have a strong sense of who you are.
- You absorb other people’s feelings and feel like you need to fix other people’s problems.
What causes enmeshment?
Enmeshment is a dysfunctional family dynamic that is passed through generational curses. We tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they’re familiar. Enmeshment usually originates due to some sort of trauma or illness (addiction, mental illness, a seriously ill child who is overprotected). However, because it’s usually a generational pattern, you may not be able to pinpoint the origins of enmeshment in your family. It’s more important to identify ways that enmeshment is causing difficulties for you and work to change those dynamics in your relationships.
Families need boundaries
Boundaries establish appropriate roles – who is responsible for what in family dynamics. Boundaries create physical and emotional space between family members. Boundaries create safety in families. They reflect respect for everyone’s needs and feelings, they communicate clear expectations, and they establish what’s okay to do and what’s not.
As a child grows up, boundaries should gradually shift to allow for more autonomy, greater privacy, developing his/her own beliefs and values, and so forth. In healthy families, children are encouraged to become emotionally independent – to separate, pursue their goals, and become themselves – not to become extensions of their parents (sharing their feelings, beliefs, values) or to take care of their parents.
In enmeshed families, these kinds of healthy boundaries don’t exist. Parents overshare personal information. They don’t respect privacy. They rely on their child for emotional support or friendship. They don’t allow children to make their own decisions and mistakes. Children aren’t encouraged to explore their own identities, become emotionally mature, and separate from their parents.
This burdens children with:
- the responsibility of taking care of their parents (often when they aren’t emotionally mature enough to do so)
- role confusion (children are expected to take care of their parents and/or are treated as friends or confidants)
- prioritizing their parents’ needs above their own
- a lack of respect for their feelings, needs, and individuality
Children need to individuate from their parents
To become a mature and emotionally healthy adult, you have to individuate and become independent from your parents. Individuation is the process of separating yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. Individuation is the process of becoming an individual, not just an extension of your parents.
The process of normal individuation is obvious in adolescents. This is the time when we typically start spending more time with friends. We experiment with our style and appearance. We recognize that we don’t have to believe the same things our parents believe. We gain clarity about our values, beliefs, and interests and can express them and act on them. We make more decisions for ourselves. In other words, we start to figure out who we are as unique individuals and look to the outside world for greater opportunities.
In enmeshed families, individuation is limited. You’re likely to get stuck in an emotionally dependent, child-like state. This creates a strange juxtaposition of being undifferentiated and emotionally immature yet also parentified (treated like a friend or surrogate spouse).
Enmeshment is confusing
Enmeshment can be confused with healthy closeness, especially if it’s all you’ve known. Enmeshment creates an emotional bond, dependence, and intimate connection among family members. But it’s not a healthy dependence or connection. It’s based on using people to meet your emotional needs and not allowing them to become fully themselves. Adults shouldn’t use their children (or others) to make themselves feel valued and safe.
The legacy of enmeshment
In addition to the issues mentioned above, enmeshment can cause a variety of other problems such as these.
- Approval-seeking and low self-worth
- Fear of abandonment
- Anxiety
- Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.
- Not pursuing your goals
- Being saddled with inappropriate guilt and responsibility
- Having a hard time speaking up for yourself
- Codependent relationships
- Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset
- Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves
Ending enmeshment
If you grew up in an enmeshed family, you’ve probably replicated enmeshment and codependency in your other relationships. However, this doesn’t mean you’re doomed to dysfunctional relationships forever. Below are four components of reversing enmeshment and becoming a healthier, more authentic YOU.
1. Set boundaries.
Learning to set boundaries is imperative if you’re going to change enmeshed relationships. Boundaries create a healthy separation between you and others. We need physical boundaries (such as personal space, privacy, and the right to refuse a hug or other physical touch) and emotional boundaries (such as the right to have our own feelings, to say “no”, to be treated with respect, or not answer a call from a toxic person).
To get started, you’ll need to identify the specific boundaries that you need. Notice when you feel guilty, resentful, unappreciated, or angry. Explore what’s underneath these feelings – there’s a good chance there was a boundary violation. I will link a post to books that help break generational curses and help you to create boundaries with toxic people.
2. Discover who you are.
Enmeshment prevents us from developing a strong sense of self. As a result, you may not have a clear sense of who you are, what matters to you, what you want to do, and so forth. You may feel obligated to do what pleases other people and stifle your interests, goals, and dreams because others wouldn’t approve or understand.
An important part of separating yourself from an enmeshed relationship is to discover who you really are. What are your interests, values, goals? What are your strengths? What do you feel passionate about? Where do you like to vacation? What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? If you weren’t encouraged to cultivate your own interests and beliefs, this can be an uncomfortable process. It can stir up feelings of guilt or betrayal. But despite what others have told you, it’s not selfish to put yourself first. It’s not wrong to have your own opinions and preferences – and to act on them.
3. Stop feeling guilty.
Narcissists know that empathetic and emotionally abused people often feel guilt for simply being born. This comes from a narcissistic caregiver. Guilt can be a huge barrier to setting boundaries, being assertive, developing a separate sense of self, and doing what’s right for you – not what’s right according to others. Guilt is often used as a manipulation tactic in enmeshed families. We are told that we’re wrong, selfish, or uncaring if we go against the grain. Over time, most of us internalize this guilt and come to believe that setting boundaries or having our own opinions is wrong. This kind of false belief is often so embedded that it’s the hardest aspect of enmeshment to overcome.
The first step in changing it is to recognize that guilt and self-criticism are not helpful or accurate reflections of reality. Notice how often you feel guilty and how often guilt dictates your behavior. Then try to challenge the distorted thoughts that perpetuate feelings of guilt. Changing and rewiring your subconscious thoughts will be critical. This is where the false belief that “struggle love” and that love and abuse can coexist lie.
4. Get support.
Breaking free of enmeshment is tough because it’s probably a relationship pattern you’ve known since birth – and those that benefit from your enmeshment are certain to try to make it difficult for you to change. Getting help from a professional therapist or a support group is invaluable for learning new skills and reducing guilt and shame.
Changing enmeshed family dynamics can be overwhelming. However, enmeshment exists on a continuum and so does the healing process. Ask God to help you on your journey. You will need the strength and He will place the people you need to successfully recover. You may have to go No Contact with your family. Psalms 27:10 states, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.” God will be on your side. The excuse “That’s your family” is no longer acceptable. It’s time to choose you. It will hurt. There will be highs and lows, but it certainly gets easier. It will be the most rewarding experience of your life!
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National Domestic Violence Hotline Focuses Week of Action on Survivors During COVID-19
The COVID-19 pandemic has presented unique challenges for domestic violence survivors, including intensified insolation and additional barriers to accessing support and resources. This past week, June 1 – June 5, 2020, The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) held its first Week of Action to increase awareness of these challenges, and to ensure that responses to domestic violence, from the local to the federal level, center on survivors.
Amid the pandemic, The National Domestic Violence Hotline has worked diligently to continue operations and provide essential safety planning services for survivors, raise awareness of the increased risk to domestic violence survivors during this time, and enhance public education on their experiences.
“While this is the first entirely-virtual Week of Action that we have hosted, we are grateful to the Congressional staff, supporters, activists and survivors nationwide who engaged with us to understand how COVID-19 is impacting survivors’ experiences,” said Katie Ray-Jones, CEO of The National Domestic Violence Hotline. “We put the survivor at the center of everything we do. We want them and everyone advocating for them to know how extremely strong and resourceful they are. Policies that are supposed to help them should always transfer power back to survivors, allowing them to reclaim agency and make decisions that are best for them.”
On June 2, The Hotline CEO Katie Ray-Jones hosted a virtual conversation focused on the federal response to aid survivors during the pandemic. The Hotline received federal dollars through the CARES Act allowing to expand remote capacity in order to assist increased need and support specific resources for deaf and Native survivors. Ray-Jones was joined by Commissioner for the Administration of Children, Youth and Families Elizabeth Darling from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS).
“Survivors are facing even greater uncertainty and vulnerability. The Department of Health and Human Services is dedicated to ensuring access to lifesaving services and increasing public awareness about the unique challenges faced by survivors of domestic violence in this time,” said Commissioner Elizabeth Darling. “We are proud to partner with the National Domestic Violence Hotline to advocate for resources that support survivors and empower communities to effectively address domestic violence and intimate partner violence.”
On June 3, The Hotline also organized a webinar COVID-19 and Beyond: Inter sectionality and the Future of Policy making and Advocacy” to raise awareness on how necessary it is to use a prism of inter sectionality in the policy making process to better address the needs of marginalized communities. The webinar featured community experts in conversation.
Full recordings of these webinars will be published soon and are available upon request.
“Survivors of violence from under served and marginalized communities have been left particularly vulnerable and the multiple barriers they face have gotten harder to surmount because of the pandemic,” said Ray-Jones. “Effective policy making and advocacy must seek to address and rectify harm brought onto marginalized communities, during the recovery from the pandemic and beyond.”
This year’s Week of Action also coincided with the release of The Hotline’s annual Impact Report, detailing The Hotline’s work in 2019, including call, chat and text volume, most commonly used resources and referrals, and an overview of the circumstances facing those who contacted The Hotline. The full report can be read here.
In addition to the two virtual events, The Hotline organized a Twitter storm to drive up awareness of domestic violence and the needs of survivors online and conducted online advocacy aimed at securing Senate passage of the HEROES Act.
The HEROES Act, which passed the House of Representatives, and is now before the Senate, builds upon earlier emergency funding in the CARES Act and includes critical provisions in support of survivors of sexual and domestic violence as well as the programs that serve them.
In the CARES Act, The Hotline received $2 million to ensure critical, ongoing services to survivors that reach out for support, resources, and safety planning during this time of heightened risk due to the COVID-19 health crisis.
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Detecting and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
The term “narcissist” is being thrown around a lot these days. But what does it actually mean? The standard Oxford definition is “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” In a clinical context, narcissistic personality disorder or NPD is a rare mental condition marked by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a pathological need for attention. This type of narcissism goes beyond a general self-centeredness and presents as a total disregard for others, or as disingenuous interactions and attainment to others only if it is perceived as relevant to the narcissist.
I like to think of narcissism on a spectrum; we all have narcissistic qualities, it is when those tendencies impair our work, relationships, finances, and general functioning that there is cause for concern—namely, for the victims of the narcissist. Narcissists tend to leave a path of destruction, but are unaware that they have a problem, so they usually do not seek treatment. In a sense, narcissists are addicts; they are addicted to their supply (family members, romantic partners), to provide them with validation and emotional self-regulation as they are unable to regulate themselves. It is usually easier for the narcissist to blame and rage at those closest to them than to admit to or address underlying feelings of inadequacy, imperfection, and insecurity.
Narcissistic abuse is one of the most insidious forms of domestic violence, as abusers are typically charming, attractive, and able to morph into whatever personality is needed for them to get what they want. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is likely near impossible to describe to others what you are experiencing: the crazy-making, the gas lighting, the emotional and psychological manipulation, the questioning of reality, and sometimes even physical abuse.
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse is very similar to the standard Cycle of Abuse in most domestic violence situations, with a tension-building phase, an abusive incident, a honeymoon phase, and intermittent periods of calm. There are, however, some distinctions:
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A relationship with a narcissist often starts with the Idealization stage, or love-bombing. Expect to receive gifts, favors, “center-of-the-universe” attention, and proclamations of love and commitment (often very early in dating).
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At some point something will happen: the mask will slip for a second and you’ll see a different side of this person. You may catch them in a lie, notice incongruence between their words and actions, inconsistency in their availability, or you may see them acting differently around different people— like pretending to be nice to someone’s face then turning around and insulting them. In this Transition phase, you might call them out on their behavior or set a boundary to protect yourself. This will not be well-received.
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Instead of considering your feelings or concerns, the narcissist will then enter the Devaluing stage. Get ready for some serious pain here. A narcissist’s primary line of defense is flipping the script: blaming you for all the problems of the relationship, criticizing you and knocking down your self-worth, degrading or embarrassing you, and often using triangulation to make sure you feel crazy or replaceable (“None of my previous partners/friends’ wives care that they ‘harmlessly’ flirt with other people and stay out all night drinking.”). Regardless of whether their statements about others are true or not, the motivation behind them is to manipulate you and devalue your thoughts and feelings. Look for phrases like, “You’re being way too sensitive/crazy/controlling, etc.” This is where manipulation to get you to question your reality often sets in, a.k.a. gaslighting. For more on gaslighting, refer to my previous blog post.
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The relationship will often reach a breaking point, at which time another Transition stage will commence. During this time, you may either set terminal boundaries like leaving the relationship and going no-contact, or you may get sucked back into the madness by the narcissist’s skilled “hoovering.” This stage can be characterized by honeymooning behaviors like apologies, promises to change, and sometimes even steps toward change—like getting help for a drinking problem, or reading a self-help book you’ve asked them to consider in the past. It’s important to look for the motivation behind the behavior here: if the abuser is using “recovery” milestones and actions as a way to impress you and keep in touch with you, it is likely they are not truly in recovery. If they respect your space and take a significant amount of time to focus on growth, there is a chance true change may happen. However, because there is always someone willing to deal with the narcissist’s antics, most do not change. If you are lucky during this stage, the narcissist will discard you in favor of a new supply, and you will seek support and begin to unravel why you chose to be with a narcissist in the first place (see topics: trauma bonding, codependence, childhood abuse).
Signs You are in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Narcissists often do not see lying or manipulation as damaging behaviors. They may even convince themselves that they are doing what’s best for all involved—the grandiosity of playing God clouds the fact that being dishonest does not allow for others to make decisions that will align with their own rights to autonomy, well being, and sheer sanity. The lack of empathy particular to narcissists makes it very easy for them to continue living their lives with little regard for your discomfort. You will likely notice a general sense of uneasiness as the reality of the relationship makes itself known.
Some signs that you are in a relationship with a narcissist are:
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You walk on eggshells around your partner.
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You feel the need to voice/video record your conversations because your partner keeps discounting your reality.
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You’re hyper-vigilant for signs that a violent outburst might happen (i.e. trying to detect how much your partner has had to drink, avoiding him/her when drunk).
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Frequently wondering if your partner is telling the truth (actions don’t match words, evidence of lying)
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Being told you are crazy, having your pain minimized or dismissed
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Being name-called, yelled at, threatened, and told things like “You’ll never amount to anything.”
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Experiencing intimidation and fear (i.e. your partner throwing things, ripping up/destroying your possessions)
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Fearing for your safety but feeling too ashamed to share with others
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Feelings of isolation, especially when sharing your experiences with others and being met with blank stares or confusion
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Regularly being hurt physically, emotionally, psychologically even when you’ve asked for certain behaviors to stop
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Mysterious physical symptoms or autoimmune disorders flaring up, onset of panic attacks, anxiety, and depression, unexplained stomach aches
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Frequently feeling tricked, taken advantage of, resentful, and confused.
Signs of Healing
Recovery and healing look different for everyone. It may take several weeks of no-contact for you to start to feel relief. The level of communication with the narcissist and your ability to hold boundaries will impact your ability to move on with your life. Further, it’s important to look for other narcissists in your life, as there is/was likely one around before you met your narcissistic partner. Similar boundaries may apply to them. However, you will know you are healing when you start to feel safer and more at ease. Here are some signs that you may be healing from narcissistic abuse:
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You feel “lighter” literally and figuratively. For some this means their heart feels unburdened, and/or they may literally lose weight—usually a goal they were unable to achieve while in a relationship with the narcissist, sometimes due to high stress levels, emotional eating or other coping mechanisms. (Note: it is also common to lose weight after any break up due to the traumatic nature of loss. It is important to check in with yourself to assure that any weight loss is occurring at healthy levels.)
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You smile, genuinely, sometimes for no reason.
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You feel a sense of relief.
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Some chronic physical symptoms may begin to alleviate (joint pain, stomach aches, headaches, autoimmune disease flare-ups may reduce in frequency and severity)
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You are better able to concentrate and be present.
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Healthy habits you’ve forgotten about or put on hold come back or seem more appealing (mindfulness practices, exercise, the motivation to cook healthy meals, etc.)
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You feel more connected to your inner world, and less like you need to escape or distract yourself from problems.
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You do not spend your waking hours obsessing and worrying about your partner.
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