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Married To a Narcissist & How I Got Out
A Snippet of My Testimony
I have the pleasure of speaking on Dr. Moremi’s radio show “Taking A Look At Calvary” in Chicago on Big Gospel Express 1570 AM. We are on-air live from 10:30-11:00 AM CST on Wednesdays. Please tune in if you are in the Chicago area. I will upload the broadcast weekly here as well.
On last week’s show (September 23rd) I discussed how I found myself married to a narcissist. I also discuss how I left. Sharing my testimony is the perfect segway to National Domestic Violence Awareness Month which begins Oct 1. I want to inspire others to have faith and trust in God. Our faith is not in any man but in Jesus Christ. Domestic Violence affects all races, ethnicities, socio-economical, backgrounds, both men and women. It does absolutely does not discriminate.
Domestic Violence Statistics
Each year on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. 1:3 women and 1:4 men will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lifetime. Those are very high statistics. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men. Domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. It is not limited to intimate partners. Parents abuse. Children abuse. Spouses abuse. Partners abuse. Coworkers abuse. Yes, so-called “pastors” and “Christians” abuse. Abuse comes in many forms and many sources. These are the numbers for the cases that are REPORTED. Many more go unreported.
Let’s Raise Awareness
Narc Free Living LLC is raising awareness to help bring an end to this debilitating and isolating form of abuse. We also strive to help others recognize all forms of abuse. We are more than conquerors through Christ!
We want to show our support for domestic violence survivors. Survivors should not bear the guilt & shame of abuse. When you are ready and able to, please feel free to share your testimony. Let’s help to change the narrative. (And if you are not ready, that it is totally ok:) There is no guilt, shame, or condemnation. Know that God does not want anyone abused, no matter who it is. Love and abuse do not coexist.
Feel free to share how you overcame abuse, left an abusive relationship, narcissistic family/friendship, and/or what steps you are taking to heal. Abuse is not something that we “just get over” or “forgive and let it go.” Healing is a deeply personal, lifelong journey. Forgiveness is one thing and healing is a whole other one. Just because someone forgives does not mean they have healed. Everyone’s story, recovery, healing processes are different. I will send a special gift to (at least) the first 10. (Gift is sent to those in the continental U.S.)
If you would like to share your story, please send them & I’ll share it on Narc Free Living LLC. (Names can be omitted if so desired.)
Send your info or story to:
Email: support@narcfreeliving.com
IG: https://www.instagram.com/narcfreelivingllc/
FB: https://m.facebook.com/narcfreelivingllc/
#breakthechains #narcfreeliving
God bless you!
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Are You Codependent?
What is codependency?Let’s discuss the spirits behind codependency and how to overcome them.Fear, rejection, and abandonment are the primary spirits behind codependency.Codependency is a learned behavior and defense mechanism, most often found in those that grew up in a home that was emotionally unhealthy. A codependent essentially gives themselves, their self-worth, to maintain relationships with others. Codependents learned early on to people please, overachieve, (in some cases) underachieve, & put themselves last in order to receive breadcrumbs of “love.” Narcissistic or unavailable parents teach their children to “just be happy & grateful” with the bare minimum emotionally. This creates a self-love void & deficit.Codependents fall for narcissists because they love bombs and pretend to give the love that the codependent did not receive in childhood or adulthood. In the initial stages, narcissists give codependents the validation that they have never received. It all seems so new, exhilarating, and like something out of a fairy tale because it is something that the codependent or empath has never received from anyone else. The narcissist and the codependent are both in search of time, attention, and unconditional love.In narcissistic homes, love is conditional and based on performance, so codependents learn to take basic scraps of “love.” When narcissists come along, they overload the codependent’s senses with false love. The codependent does not really know who they are yet and does not know true love either, so they believe the narcissist when he/she tells them they are their “soulmate.”The codependent operates in self-love deficient and fear rejection & abandonment, as they were taught to put themselves and suppress any emotions that they feel in order to be the family’s savior & scapegoat. Codependents feel a need to save everyone because this was the role given to them by narcissistic parents. They repeat the broken bird syndrome, falsely believing they can be the ones to save the narcissist. They must hold on to hope that the narc can change. Codependents falsely believe that their unrequited love and all they have done financially and emotionally for the narc will be repaid. (It will not.)Neither the codependent nor the narcissist really knows what love is. Codependents believe that love and abuse can coexist. They are familiar with the silent treatment and cannot handle it when the narc does this because it makes them panic inside at the thought of losing what they believe is love.Signs of a codependent person:
◉ Weak or no boundaries. Let’s guard down and allows a narcissistic person to impede on boundaries in order to maintain the relationship.◉ Inability to say “No” and play the role of peacekeeper or middle man.◉ Never feels good enough.◉ Continuously attracts narcissists in interpersonal relationships. Overlooks red flags to appease and gain “love.”◉ Experienced sexual, emotional, or physical abuse in child or adulthood.◉ Separation anxiety when separated from a partner or loved one, even for a short time.◉ Parents partner. There is an imbalance in the relationship. (For example, women who take on a caregiver and provider role of the husband or significant other. Women who do not mind being the “man” or dominant partner in the home. It can also be men who were emasculated by their narcissistic mother and seek women who will take care of them.)◉ Do not know who you are outside of a relationship & become enmeshed in the relationship. Feels as if they cannot be without the partner. A codependent may feel as though the world would end if the relationship ends or feels hopeless.◉ Stays in abusive relationships even to your detriment or when your spouse or partner has shown you they truly do not love you. A codependent feels as if they are abandoning an abusive family member, spouse, or partner if they go No Contact.Ways to break the generational patterns and cycle of codependency:
Know that you can cast out codependent traits and recover! Jesus Christ conquered all on the cross.◉ Acknowledge the dysfunction, often found in your family of origin. This is vital to healing. Find the root.◉ Ask God to heal you and take responsibility for your healing. It is an ongoing, continuous healing process.◉ Let go of the guilt and shame! Codependents live in a HIGH level of guilt that keeps them in the cycle of abuse. Do not fall for the guilt trips of manipulative people. Begin to notice how guilt is used in your family and relationship to keep you in line and giving in to their requests.◉ Learn to be happy with God and yourself. God may have you in a single or season of isolation to unlearn these behaviors and relearn about Him and yourself so that you can heal.◉ Counseling and prayer!◉ Reparent yourself. Give yourself the love that you did not receive growing up or from the toxic relationship.
◉Understand that you will recycle the experience until the cycles and issues are addressed head-on.Understand that you will recycle the experience until the cycles and issues are addressed head-on.Do not look to others to validate you. Love you and how God made you.You are so worthy. He did not make you to be abused by others.Let’s break those chains of narcissist abuse!
Who the Son sets free is true indeed. John 8:36Break the Chains of Narcissist Abuse! -
Take A Stand: Flying Monkeys & Enabling
Sometimes you just have to let people know where you stand. We stand on God’s Word. We stand on the side of survivors. We stand with & support survivors telling their stories so they can heal. We cannot heal from what we do not acknowledge.
Do not stand with narcissistic people, or flying monkeys, regardless if they are “family or friends”.
Do not stand with those that automatically take the side of an abuser with no regard for the truth.
Do not stand with those that play the middle because they are cowards & they fail to hold narcissists accountable for their actions or let them know when they are wrong.
Do not stand with those that enable, coddle, stand by, or turn a blind eye quietly while someone is abused. We do not play the middle man and we do not sit quietly without asking questions. Nope. Nada. Not here. Not ever. Not today and certainly not tomorrow.
“He that justifieth the wicked, and he that condemneth the just, even they both are abomination to the LORD.”
Proverbs 17:15 (KJV)
“Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.”
Proverbs 31:9 KJV
“Blessed is he that considereth the poor (weak): the Lord will deliver him in time of trouble.”
Psalms 41:1 KJV
Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, and please the widow’s cause,” (Isaiah 1:17).
If you are enabling abuse, make no mistake, God will judge accordingly. Repent. Support survivors and do not enable abusers by proxy.
Break the chains of narcissist abuse!
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Do Not Stress About The Smear Campaign
Some people believe the narcissist’s pathological lies about you. The smear campaign, the lies about you being “crazy” – when in reality it is the narcissist who is insane due to the many demonic spirits dwelling on the inside of them. Jezebel & her henchmen spirits are actually running the show. The person who believes the narcissist does not understand the spirits behind the seemingly “nice” person that has everyone fooled. They cannot discern the spirits controlling the person.
What seemed like rejection was God’s protection against what is coming. Soon God will expose the lies told against you. He will make your enemies your footstool – make no mistake about it.
Listed below are examples of enablers and flying monkeys:
*They do not call or reach out to you when you are isolated by the narcissist.
*They reach out in defense of the narcissist.
*They reach out saying, “Oh just forgive & let it go”. LET THEM GO.
*They cozy up to the narcissist & fail to discern the spirit.
*They listen & entertain the lies told in the smear campaign.
*They do not show support.
Ahhh….but that’s not your problem anymore because no matter who believed you, regardless of who stood with you, or who did not – it is all by design. The fallout ALWAYS happens with a narcissist and you will lose people that you love. Pray from a distance.
Sometimes, we too can be misled by Jezebel, Ahab, or any other demonic spirits. When this happens make things right and apologize for your ignorance in the matter. Forgive yourself. The narcissist has a lifetime of perfecting their craft. The strongman spirits dwelling in them are strong, manipulative, & covert. Anyone can be fooled without the Holy Spirit. Do not allow the enemy to destroy a relationship that can be salvaged with communication, forgiveness, and accountability.
I repaired relationships where I was under Jezebel’s influence. At the time, I believed the enemy’s lies. When I began to discern the spirit and look at the patterns – not the words – God revealed the truth of who the person really was and what spirit they were operating under. I reached out and apologized to the other person to make things right. God will prepare hearts if the relationship is meant to be repaired. Likewise, if someone wants to believe the enemy’s lies and stay in the dark about who someone is – shake the dust off your feet and keep it moving. Jezebel reveals herself self sooner or later.
The good thing is now you discern through the power of the Holy Spirit who is who & where people stand. Sit back in peace, be obedient to His Word, and watch God work.
“The Lord said unto my Lord, Sit thou at my right hand until I make thine enemies thy footstool. The Lord shall send the rod of thy strength out of Zion: rule thou in the midst of thine enemies.” Psalms 110:1-2
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Let’s Examine The Spirit of Racism…
What is racism?
Racism is the prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized.
● Racism is a spirit of division.
● We are called to love all people not just people who look like us.
We are dealing with spiritual warfare. Racism is demonic and when we participate in it, we are doing the devil’s work.
“But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.” (James 2:9)
● What do racists and narcissists have in common?
Many racists are narcissistic in nature. Both put their own selfish desires before another’s well-being. Racists, like narcissists, are devoid of empathy and integrity when it comes to another race. Like narcissists do with their victims, racists do not empathize or see other races as human; they see them as subhuman. This allows them to do the things that they do with no remorse or conscience. Narcissists do not view their victims as human, they see them as resources, as a means to an end to get the narcissistic supply, money, or whatever else they need.
Racists are extremely narcissistic in nature as they kill, steal, and destroy to get power and stay in perceived power. Then they gaslight you to pretend as if your issues do not truly exist. They bait and switch and project by creating certain conditions and then labeling other races when they take their resources.
● Make no mistake those who operate in the spirit of racism will be judged. “The nations were filled with wrath, but now the time of your wrath has come. It is time to judge the dead and reward your servants the prophets, as well as your holy people, and all who fear your name, from the least to the greatest. It is time to destroy all who have caused destruction on the earth.” (Revelation 11:18)
UNTIL WE DEAL AND CAST OUT THE SPIRITS OF DIVISION AND RACISM, THESE DEMONIC INFLUENCES WILL CONTINUE TO INFILTRATE. We can march, protest, pass laws, etc., but the killings will still occur. Discrimination will still occur. Racism will still occur. Christ is the only way.
● Let’s examine racism in the spiritual realm:
We must examine the root and discern the fruit.
A racist in spiritual terms is one who hates the human race. God created the human race. Satan used race to divide.
Who is the ultimate racist? Satan. He hates ALL people equally. He uses his wiles and schemes to incite fighting and to create division amongst God’s creation. This way people hate one another. Satan uses the other races as Scapegoats.
“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” (Eph. 6:12).
Race supremacy is a principality of Satan. He simply uses racists to do his bidding. “These people are the ones who are creating divisions among you. They follow their natural instincts because they do not have God’s Spirit in them.” (Jude 1:19)
“If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?” (1 John 4:20)
If you were taught to dislike a group of people because they are different or their skin color is not the same as yours, REPENT. Ask God to heal your heart.
● The church is meant to be a diverse body of people called by God from every tribe, tongue, and nation to be one in Christ. Yet, today’s church remains largely divided along ethnic lines. However, we seek to bridge this divide, we must not forget that it’s a fundamentally spiritual battle.
(Galatians 3:28-29) “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”
The battle against racism isn’t merely a fight against any individual, government, system, or law; it is a fight that confronts Satan and his demonic forces.
Satan attacks individuals and systems (Luke 22:31). He corrupts people and works through the unjust laws, practices, and traditions they create. He does this both through the governments & principalities of this world. He also does this through religious institutions that exalt pride, culture, and tradition over the truth of God’s Word.
“As a single group, Christ brought Jews and Gentiles back to God. He stopped them from hating each other. He did this by his death on the cross.” (Ephesians 2:16)
● How do we combat the spirits of racism (hate, pride, & fear)?
- Pray. Seek wisdom. Understand who is behind racism and
- Believers have inherited our heavenly Father’s nature.
- Walk in empathy & compassion.
- Do not be easily offended. Do not take the bait when reprobate minds attempt to draw you in. Do not cast your pearls to swine.
- Guard yourself against the spirit of racism.
- Make up in your mind who you will serve.
- Examine the fruit. Discern the root.
- Pray for those that hate their own race. THE HUMAN RACE.
- Remember whatever God made, Satan attempts to destroy and divide.
We must begin to understand and discern who is really behind demonic spirits – our actions and behavior. Make up in your mind whom you will love and follow. Choose love over hate. When you engage with someone, begin to discern the spirit behind their actions. The answer to racism is not found in legislation or politics. It is a heart problem. It is pride, hatred, arrogance, & prejudice.
Examine your fruit. Are you sowing the seeds of racism or prejudgement? It is not too late to repent and turn away from it. Seek God while He may yet be found. Racism needs to be acknowledged, discussed, cast out and bound – just like any other demonic spirit. The Gospel saves. Jesus Christ saves!
Break the chains!
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Signs That Your Mother Has The Spirit of Jezebel
Have you seen the movie Mommy Dearest? Flowers in the Attic? Precious?
Having a narcissistic and toxic mother can be detrimental to a child, especially in the formative years. Society places mothers in such high regard, so we do not think of our own mothers as even remotely narcissistic. With a narcissistic mother, EVERYTHING revolves around her and her perfectly crafted facade. She is likely covert so most people believe the image that she has strategically built over the years.
Here are a few signs that your mother may be narcissistic or have toxic traits:
1. When you attempt to assert yourself as an adult, it results in anger, rejection, and hostility. Phrases such as, “I am your MOTHER!” are commonplace. She does not appreciate your attempts to individuate, as that means that you will be less available to serve her needs. Does she get angry when you disagree or don’t want to do what she wants you to do? Does she try to make you feel guilty for having separate interests, hobbies, desires, and opinions? Does she feel entitled to your earnings or feel that you are responsible for her financial needs?
2. Her love is conditional.
A mother who is narcissistic is interested in how you (and your achievements) reflect on her. She wants you to succeed, but only so that she looks good. She may even become jealous if she feels you are doing too well. Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often be perfectionistic in a misguided attempt to win their mother’s love.
3. She cannot or will not validate your feelings.
There is very little room in her emotional consciousness for your feelings. If they do something that upsets you, narcissists generally won’t be prepared to acknowledge their mistake or soothe your upset. They are too focused on trying to manage the shame elicited by your implied criticism. She may sometimes be there if you need support, but most often she will turn it around so that it becomes about her. There is little to no acknowledgment of things that she does wrong. Do not fall for the pity or crying as an apology.
For example:
“That reminds me of the time…” “You think you have problems, I remember when…” “I can’t listen to you when you’re like this, it upsets me…” “I do/have done everything for you, why can’t you appreciate it, you are so ungrateful…”
4. She belittles you.
A narcissistic mother will be full of praise in one moment, hypercritical, and judgmental the next. They can make your head spin! A narcissistic mother knows where it hurts. She will often use sarcasm or belittling language to humiliate you, perhaps in front of others. She may minimize your feelings with excuses such as “I’m just joking!”
5. She tries to manipulate you.
The manipulation can be quite subtle, causing you to question your doubts and fears. She may call you “selfish” because you don’t want to be her maid or chauffeur 24/7. Being afraid to say no to her because you fear her disapproval or anger is definitely not a good sign.
6. She thinks she is above the rules.
Narcissists prefer not to have to follow the rules that apply to us lesser mortals. The sense of entitlement that accompanies narcissism can manifest in expectations of special treatment. She might try to get out of a parking ticket through manipulation or flirtatious behavior, then she gets angry. She can embarrass you in line at your favorite coffee shop. If she is not allowed to jump the coffee queue or secure her favorite table at a popular restaurant, she may become disproportionately angry.
7. She is unpredictable.
Narcissists often wax and wane in terms of their attention and availability. She may shower you with affection and attention (love-bombing) when she wants something from you and ignore you when she is going OK. Her ability to care about you is dependent on her own needs rather than any genuine commitment to you as a separate and autonomous being.
8. It’s all about how things look.
Because they are largely dependent on social cues to manage their self-image, narcissists will be focussed on how things appear, and most importantly, how they appear to those whose opinion matters to them. Narcissistic mothers will generally like to appear socially successful, keeping a nice-looking home, wearing nice clothes, and keeping a full social or church circle. Your mother might spend a lot of time trying to impress the neighbors, her church, and others whom she considers worth her time.
9. She cannot see your point of view.
In general, narcissistic mothers will be unwilling to understand or even acknowledge your point of view. She may ignore, belittle, or undermine you, often using manipulation or guilt-tripping to get her way.
10. She is emotionally volatile.
Narcissists are often emotionally unstable, swinging between cold rage and collapsed fragility depending on environmental cues. Mothers with these characteristics have very low self-esteem underneath their bluster and will become teary or desperate if they meet ongoing resistance.
Did you know most children that have a narcissistic mother (or father) continue to have relationships with other narcissists, sociopaths & psychopaths?
Here are additional signs:
❉ They tried to control you through codependency to make you dependent on them even through adulthood.
❉ They had a “favorite”, “golden” child, or scapegoat, or invisible child. These roles were interchangeable at any time.
❉ They guilt you for simply being born. You owe them your life because they were there for you as if you asked to be here. You are taught to always put everyone first or to get you to do things.
❉ They have a high sense of entitlement & groom you to take care of them as they grow older. (This is your choice, not your duty, especially if you have a narcissistic family)
❉ They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders. The image of the family is everything.
❉ Family is highly secretive and loyalty is expected. If you disagree or do something displeases you were met with silent treatment until you got back in line.
❉ They only love you when you did what THEY wanted. Their feelings are what matters.
❉ They are vindictive & liked to “get even” with you.
❉ They don’t respect your boundaries or they taught you to have weak or no boundaries. This sets you up for narcissistic abuse in future relationships.
❉ They competed with you. (Think Mommy Dearest)
❉ They “owned” your accomplishments & live vicariously through you.
❉ They constantly lied to you about the key details of your life.
❉ They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings. If you brought something up that bothered you, they cried, got upset, made it uncomfortable, or changed the subject. Anything to evade accountability.
❉ They constantly insulted or criticized you.
❉ They exerted explicit control over you.
❉ They gaslighted you.
❉ They “parentified” you.
❉ They reacted intensely to any form of criticism.
❉ They projected their bad behavior onto you.
❉ They never displayed any real empathy. They were cold one minute and warm the next.
❉ They were always right and never wrong. Never truly apologized.
❉You were outcast if you spoke up against the family/cult-like system.
When you grew up in a narcissistic environment it can be hard to have any perspective. You second guess yourself or lack the self-confidence due to it being undermined as a child. Often children of narcissists adapt to the parenting they receive, losing contact with their authentic self. This results in codependency and feelings of inadequacy. They are so used to being exploited and dominated they don’t know how healthy relationships work.
Make no mistake, this is emotional, spiritual, and psychological abuse! If you have come to the conclusion that your mother is a narcissist, then the best option is to talk with someone that you trust or a licensed therapist that specializes in narcissistic abuse. Keep in mind that demonic spirits take over a person’s heart, mind, and soul. If you confront a narcissistic person, a smear campaign against you WILL ensue. This spirit must maintain control over everyone. If they feel as if they are losing control over you, they go into full attack mode. They do not view you as their child. You, like everyone else, are a resource.
Grey Rock is an alternative method if you are unable to have no contact. Whatever method you choose, come to terms with the fact the person you believe you know is not who she pretends to be. She is unable to be truthful with herself and therefore can not be honest about anything. She does not love herself in a healthy way and cannot give you the unconditional love that you deserve from a parent.
Staying in contact with a narcissistic parent is a choice. If you decide that you want to stay in contact with your mother, you will need to accept that you may never receive the acknowledgment you long for in your relationship with her. You will need to validate your own feelings and accept the grieving process that accompanies a realization of her profound limitations.
For daughters of narcissistic mothers, it can be a long road to recovery.
Because they have grown up under the tyrannical rule of a woman with severe character flaws, they often have a depleted sense of self. It can take a lot of work in therapy and spiritual warfare to break the chains. Both aid in gaining self-awareness and compassion that helps heal your neglected inner child.
Ask God to heal your heart. Pray that the scales be removed from your mother’s eyes and heart. Rebuke the spirits of Jezebel, Ahab, and Leviathan that have been operating in your life and your bloodline. Generational patterns are likely operating in your family. In Christ, we are no longer bound by our bloodline. While you may be predisposed to certain demonic influences, you can overcome! Repent from known and unknown sins. Sin opens God’s hedge of protection for you and your children for demonic spirits to attack and torment at will. Bind all demonic spirits and loose God’s will over your life. It is not God’s design that we live indebted, under the control of, or in bondage to anyone – not even your mother.
Break those chains!
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Narcissists and the Facade
Narcissists, sociopaths, & psychopaths go to great lengths to hide their true selves. Their only purpose in life is to kill, steal, & destroy. Their true nature (Jezebel & other demonic spirits) is the one that you do not see. Only those who have experienced the narcissistic rage have witnessed evil personified face to face. It is a great risk to come forward. Narcissists are both highly predictable & unpredictable. People are simply resources & narcissistic supply. That’s it. They live in an alternate reality where they interchange people like characters in a play. If you go along with their version of reality you are rewarded by their presence in your life. If you go against the grain and try to hold a narcissistic person accountable for anything the true self (demonic spirit) overtakes the false persona. This is why all people who have intimate or close relationships with them can attest to their “Jekyll & Hyde” personality.
They are charming, sweet, funny in one minute, and the next they are rage-filled, combative, and defensive. Always keep in mind THE FALSE SELF WILL PROTECT THE FACADE & IMAGE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. This is why they are very suspicious & always looking for intelligence on their victims. When they cannot find anything, they will just make it up. All along throughout the duration of the relationship, they have dropped little lies here sprinkled with a bit of truth about anyone & everyone. They have zero loyalty to anyone but themselves. No one is safe- not a spouse, not their children, their parents, or friends. If they sense they are close to exposure they up the anty and go full blast with the smear campaign. This is a blatant full force attack on your character.
They want power and control over everyone in their sphere of influence. When they can no longer control you or use your resources, they have no use for you & discard you in the worst way. When they no longer have power on you & your thoughts they then try to control how others view you. Make no mistake everything you are accused of is EVERYTHING that the narc is doing.
They use guilt, shame, and projection. If you are accused of cheating, trust, and believe the narc is the cheater. If they say everyone believes you are crazy, the narc knows they are crazy & irrational. They do not like to be called crazy. They will play the victim and pretend to be so hurt. Most survivors do not want to be victims. But the narc is a perpetual victim & takes advantage of others’ naivety. Most people have no clue and are unable to discern lies from truth. This is why the Holy Spirit is so important in a believer’s life. If you ask the Holy Spirit will show you who a person truly is. It is up to you to act on what is revealed to you.
When a survivor comes forward know that we are doing so with great risk. However, God will protect you. Never underestimate anyone. There are a lot of people who are no longer on this earth because they underestimated a sociopathic person. Narcs love no one. Not even themselves. They have no empathy and are empty & soulless inside. The person you think you know is not there. They are highly disordered and inherently evil. Yes, they know this. No, they do not want to change. No, you cannot help them. No, you cannot change them.
It is best to go No Contact or Grey Rock with narcissistic people. Understand, that you are going to lose ppl that you love, but trust that God will replace them. Once you take the scales off, you see narcissistic traits much more easily. Demons should not be comfortable in your presence.
Narcissists mirror you back to you. This is why people falsely believe they have found their “soulmate”. They are simply taking cues from you so they fit in and disguise themselves. You think they are nice and sweet. Whatever you are unhealed from they use it against you. If you have a mother wound they will use women against you. If you have a father wound they will use men against you. They find out all about you or if you make the mistake of telling them what you desire in a partner, they pretend to be everything your heart desires. This is why HEALING IS SO IMPORTANT.
They have no original thoughts. They are a collective force of everyone they have attached themselves to. If you showed them a restaurant, they take the new supply to that exact same place. Women will copy another woman and mimic her style and personality. They have no emotions. They cry on demand. You feel something because you are a normal person. They don’t. They are acting.
How do you begin to break away and heal? Ask for God’s hedge of protection and to break the soul ties, even with family or platonic relationships. Acknowledge all known and unknown sins and repent from them. Call them out if you know them. Come out of agreement with them. Pray a deliverance prayer. Tell God that you want Him to reveal what you are dealing with. Ask for God to forgive you and forgive those that hurt you. This is a choice and it does not mean that you will feel like forgiving every day. Disobedience gives spirits legal access to you. Set yourself apart from this world. Read & study God’s word. Once you cast spirits out, they will return with 7 more spirits seven times stronger than the first. This is another reason you receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
God will keep you and protect you. No weapon formed against you shall prosper!
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Do Not Play The Fool
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Narcissists & Decepticons have shown you who they are – in some cases, over and over. At first, you did not know what you were dealing with.Now that you know, it is your CHOICE to continue the relationship.- For example, you were fooled by the charm, the seductive appeal, and the smooth conversation. You were fooled by her charisma, the way she dressed, and the way she led you to believe you found your “soulmate”. While you were loving her she was using you, draining you and your resources.
- You were duped by the “Christian” church member or leader who knows scripture front & back, all while living a false life with a false self. In the public eye, they appear to be spiritual, jovial, and charming but behind closed doors, they lead double lives, full of promiscuous behavior and filthy language – preaching in the pulpit about everything that they do not practice at home.
- You were fooled by the coworker that took you under his/her wing. They showed you the ropes at the office, only to steal your ideas & throw you under the bus at the first opportunity. Now you know.
- Now you aware awakened and are aware of the love-bombing, the pathological lies, the smear campaigns. You know how the sympathy card is played to draw you in. You know how they twist and play on words. You know how they play innocent publicly, all while tearing you & others down privately. You know how they saw you coming, stalked & groomed you. You saw how they got close & cozy with YOUR circle, YOUR friends, YOUR family, & YOUR network within YOUR sphere of influence.
- Make no mistake it was all by design. You may say: “Oh, (insert name here) wouldn’t do that to me. Look at all I have done, all that we have been through.” YES, HE WOULD. YES, SHE WOULD. HE DID & SHE DID. Narcs DO NOT think like regular people. That is all by design.
But now you know. You know about the betrayal, the heartbreak, the deception, the craftiness, the lies, the manipulation. When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE them. A snake will ALWAYS be a snake: keep your grass low and the snakes will show. An open enemy is better than a fake friend. CUT THEM OUT or they will continue to CUT YOU. The choice is yours.
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Who Taught You That? Pass The Peas
🗣Ⓟ Ⓐ Ⓢ Ⓢ 👉🏾Ⓣ Ⓗ Ⓔ 👉🏾Ⓟ Ⓔ Ⓐ Ⓢ
Who taught you that abuse was ok?
Who taught you that it was ok to be around people that continually hurt you?
One thing I know for certain is that dysfunctional families love to have get-togethers! This creates an environment where molesters sit across the dinner table from the very people they molested and abusers sit comfortably around the people they abuse. No one brings up any issues that need to be discussed within the family. Everyone pretends that all is good for social media and family portraits. Problems are not discussed or members talk behind each other’s backs. It is home that we learn to sit with trauma and put band-aids on gaping wounds.
This is where we learn the false belief that love and abuse can coexist. Most people who marry or date narcissistic, toxic, or emotionally unavailable partners are unaware that this belief was learned subconsciously in their childhood.
When we find the courage to tell someone, our stories are not believed, or the abuse is minimized. Oftentimes they are just swept under the rug, – or better yet, the family “handles” the abuse internally. We are invalidated over and over and because we love our abusers or toxic people, we push our emotions down and we learn to just go on.
So, in essence, you learn to pass the peas and be quiet.
Narcissists follow a distinct pattern:
Groom
Manipulate
Gaslight
Project
Invalidate
Discredit
Devalue
Discard
Remember that abuse is hitting, blocking, groping, touching inappropriately, bullying, unwanted advances, projection, name-calling, trying to control, isolating, guilting, shaming, lying, denying the truth, silent treatment, playing the victim, gaslighting, isolation, etc. It is acting dumbfounded because you do not want to validate the other’s point of view. It is attempting to gaslight and make the other person feel crazy. Abuse is so normalized that most people are not even aware they are in abusive situations or families.
When you are traumatized you just want things to be ok, to go back to “normal” so you feel safe. So you learn to just be quiet and play small. But this is not normal.
You learn to stay around people who are not good for you in efforts to keep the peace. The bible shows us bad company corrupts good character. (Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33.) It is not only biblical, but it is wise to distance yourself from those who are unrepentant and abusive emotionally, physically, financially, sexually, and/or physically. It is protecting yourself, your energy, and your spirit man.
Jesus cast demons out and we see examples of his healing throughout the New Testament. He did not entertain or keep company with people who were inhabited and walking in agreement with evil spirits. He cast them out. Narcissists have the spirit of Jezebel, a demonic force of the principality of Baal. This is a highly deceptive, pathological, diabolical, seductive, charming, and conniving spirit. They can fool anyone, especially those without the Holy Spirit. Once a person gives way to this spirit, you must fast, pray, and engage in spiritual warfare to break soul ties, as well as, the chains of abuse and generational curses.
It now boggles my mind when I see people who are repeatedly and blatantly hurt by someone they “love” and they STILL want to be around this person. I understand that this is learned codependent behavior. We learn at an early age to be around abusive people, to forgive without repentance (which is unbiblical), and give multiple chances to those who show us they do not truly love us. Neither party knows what love is. This sends the signal that it’s ok. We were taught we choose family over everything (idolatry) and that family is more important than our mental health (soul ties).
This is a common scenario during the holidays in families:
Ok everyone let’s get together! Dinner will be served at 6 pm sharp. The menu consists of turkey and dressing, ham, jambalaya, macaroni and cheese, cornbread, peas, and salad.
We are all going to smile and laugh and you – my dear, will pretend as if you are healed from horrendous things that have been done to you. Please do not bring up any issues. This is not the time…(By the way, there will never be a good time.) However, we still want you to come around and act as if we are perfect. Please be prepared to wear your “fun” mask and go along with upholding the family image. Now, we will warn you – if you try to discuss issues or things that make us uncomfortable, we will just pretend we don’t hear you and we may discard you and go on as if you never existed. (Insert the family laugh track).
Now pass the peas.
When you try to hold anyone accountable, we’ll just say you’re crazy and use you as a scapegoat.
We will say you’re lying, that you are a troublemaker, that you are trying to break up our beloved, dysfunctional family.
We will accuse you of being promiscuous, mean, unforgiving, jealous, bitter, or unstable. Any or all will do.
Now pass the peas.
An example of the dialogue:
A little girl to her mother:
“Mother, Dad raped me.”
Mother to her daughter:
“SHHH, that never happened. You have such a vivid imagination. Besides, your father is such a great provider. Pass the peas.
A son to his mother:
“Mom, Uncle Roger is touching me and making me do inappropriate things.”
Mother:
“Hush, no he did not! He’s a minister and a community activist! The man I know would never do that! Keep this between us two. Now pass the peas and walk it off. ”
A daughter to her father:
“Dad, your best friend touched me inappropriately.”
Dad:
“Pull down your skirt. You know that’s how he is and you also know better than to sit on a grown man’s lap. Now pass the peas.”
A nephew to his aunt:
“Auntie, your friend is looking at me and saying sexual things.”
Aunt:
“Oh, she’s like that with everyone. She’s just flirty. She’s like that with everyone. Now pass the peas.”
A niece to uncle:
“Uncle Peter, my dad is touching me.”
Uncle:
“Well, that is my brother.”
{{Says & does absolutely nothing}} “Pass the peas.”
A son to his father:
“Dad, I need to be able to talk to you about what I’m feeling.”
Dad:
“Son, hush, don’t you have a roof over your head? You have clothes on your back, food on the table, shoes on your feet. Back in my day, we did not have anything nice. Just be grateful and be quiet.”
Son:
“Ok, dad, never mind. I’ll pass the peas.”
A daughter to her mother:
“Mother, I want to talk to you about something that you did that hurt me.”
Mother:
“Little girl please be quiet. I did the best I could. Don’t you have nice things? I’m working, cooking, and cleaning. I am tired. Why are you always bringing up old stuff? I thought we let that go a long time ago. Are you just being dramatic? Now, pass the peas.”
What your family is saying that we are not equipped to deal with you or your issues. Families continue to act as if everything ok and pass the peas, all the while people are hurting. People in this type of family are emotionally violent, emotionally detached, enablers, and unhealthy people. They are not in a place mentally to be a safe space. It is easier for dysfunctional families to pretend these issues do not exist. Toxic people avoid accountability at all costs. It is too shameful to look within so they project their insecurities, shame, guilt, jealousy, critical, and hate-filled ways onto you. Dysfunctional families always have a scapegoat to make it appear as if YOU are the reason for their issues. HOWEVER, EVEN WITHOUT YOU THE ISSUES STILL EXIST.
Our families are so dysfunctional and so engulfed in generational curses that they embrace the abuser and outcast the person that was abused.
How are we affected:
If a man rapes or touched your son now he is walking around with the spirit of perversion and homosexuality. He’s fighting himself and that spirit because it is out of God’s image and design for us. He has nowhere to turn and does not know what to do with these feelings.
If a daughter was sexually abused, she may find herself looking for love in all the wrong places. This sets the tone for her future relationships with unemotionally available men. She wrestles with the spirit of abandonment, fear, anxiety, and rejection until the curses are broken.
A woman who was sexually abused by another woman may subconsciously begin having an attraction towards women. She is now possessed with the spirit of homosexuality, lust, and perversion. She has no idea why. She believes she was born this way. (Although God made us in HIS image.)
We wrestle with so many issues because of sin and disobedience, some through no fault of our own. These spirits are passed from our ancestors to our parents, to our generation, our children’s generation, and our children’s children generation. With each generation, the spirits grow stronger and stronger. Sin gives demons and principalities legal access to you. It is opening God’s hedge of protection around you and giving those spirits a right to operate in you. Without repentance and obedience to our Heavenly Father, we are subject to demonic forces in and around us.
Another scenario:
Many churchgoers find themselves at church and the preacher is telling you to GO GET IT! GO GET YOUR BLESSING! For a moment, the person seems to change. But as soon as they drive off the parking lot, many go back to their same old ways. Most of the church is pretending – undelivered and ill-equipped in spiritual warfare. There is little to no spiritual growth and no heart to grow closer to Christ year after year.
Abuse and lack of spiritual knowledge are so normalized in our culture, society, families, and relationships. It’s time to break the chains.
How we overcome:
Healthy families and relationships communicate. Even about the hard conversations. It is not blaming when you bring abuse or issues to the forefront. You cannot heal from what is swept under the rug. Do not live in guilt or shame for bringing up issues that affect you.
-Acknowledge what was done and what you need to do to heal. Set healthy boundaries.
-Discuss challenges and do not enable abusers or abusive behavior.
-Have conversations with safe people. When enablers make excuses for abusers stop the conversation. (Well, you know how your dad is; But that is your family, etc.). This is not a safe or healthy-minded person. Find your tribe. You need ppl who support your healing journey.
-Understand you will have to fight for your healing if your family is still toxic and narcissistic. You may have to go “No Contact” so the blinders can be removed from your eyes. Be prepared to lose close “family” and “friendships”. Not everyone will go with you on your journey. There is no love lost. It is simply time to move on. It will be painful. It will be isolating at times, but it is so worth it!
Warriors fight:
Fight with the sword of the spirit, God’s Holy Spirit, or you will succumb to the enemy. You cannot win a battle that you do not know you are in. You do not have to live with curses strongholds generational curses. Come out of agreement with sin. Repent and turn away from those who are not healthy and are toxic so that you can heal. GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU ABUSED! Study God’s Word and learn about spiritual warfare. The bible and the Holy Spirit is your sword and your weapon. Train to use your weapons!
God gives you rest and perfect peace. No matter what happened in your family it is up to you to heal and you can break the chains of narcissistic abuse. Begin your journey of healing today!
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Narcissists in the Workplace
Narcissists in general are not easy to spot. It is highly likely you have encountered a narcissist at work, school, or church, etc. They operate covertly in public and overtly at home when they can allow their mask to fall. This lets you know, yes – they know what they are doing, they know whom to abuse, and they know when to do it. In the workplace, a narcissistic coworker may be insensitive, self-important, and egotistical. Working with a narcissist is distressing and can be disparaging to an employee’s mental health and career path.
The workplace is enamored with narcissistic executives, managers, and team members whose exaggerated sense of self and overly ambitious nature has propelled them to leadership positions in the workforce.
“Narcissism is partially about dominance. They make themselves feel big by making other people feel small,” Seth Spain says. In other words, belittling you at a meeting or sending a scathing email is more about feeding their ego than providing feedback.” Seth Spain, Binghamton University
You may recognize them on social media platforms, in the office, or break area, doing what they do best – operating in confusion and discord. For example, have you seen a LinkedIn post and the comments are generally positive? Then here comes this one person that responds condescendingly or acts as if they cannot understand a relatively simple concept? (There is always one). They crave attention whether negative or positive. My rule of thumb: do not engage with antagonistic people online, particularly those that can be removed from my life with the click of a button. Don’t feed the narcs.
Listed below are a few signs of narcissism in the workplace:
- Narcs love to name-drop and appear more self-confident than they are inside. Narcissists are extremely insecure, toxic, and damaged – although they project an image of self-assuredness. They have a seared conscious; pride and deep shame prevent them from feeling remorse, guilt, and sincerely apologizing. They lie, cheat, steal, and step on others to get ahead in efforts to gain more power and prestige. They do not see anything wrong with their actions. People are simple means to an end. When their goal is achieved, they discard until they need supply or assistance.
- Whether male or female, Black or White, young or old, narcissists seek to control, dominate, and manipulate others to achieve their goals. This is done through triangulation, gaslighting, intimidation, word salad, circular conversations, and crazymaking.
- Narcissists love gossiping and belittling others in covert ways to undermine and your ruin reputation. Their goal is to feel superior by putting others down.
- Narcissistic managers may micromanage you and your work. They want constant updates, access to you at all times, and will undermine your work.
- They like to hear themselves talk and crave to be the center of attention. They talk but rarely listen. Narcs are charming. Non-narcissistic people listen to others to find common ground, even though they may not agree. Listening requires being selfless and empathetic, which is the one thing a narcissist can never be. They pretend to care as long as you are a top performer who feeds their ego or makes them shine.
- There is little regard for your time and work efforts. Narcissist managers hold meetings any time they see fit and for however long they want to keep you. Your time is not important. They are reluctant to give credit but will take recognition for your work, all while sabotaging your reputation.
- In a narc’s mind, rules are for mere mortals, not for them. They cannot be bogged down with superfluous rules. They behave unethically in duplicitous ways and if you challenge them you will be ostracized or outcast. It is never a good idea to engage in unscrupulous behavior with a narcissist or follow unethical instructions. Narcs want your hands dirty too. This can and will be used against you later. If anything goes left, trust and believe you will take the fall as the designated scapegoat.
- Narcissists love when you fear them or when you don’t stand up for yourself. Being afraid simply reinforces their perceived power. They seek highly tolerant, enabling, self-sacrificing, and people-pleasing employees. People respect those they cannot disrespect. If anything goes left, trust and believe you will take the fall as the designated scapegoat.
Knowledge is power. You know the signs. Please understand their behavior has nothing to do with you. It is simply who they have chosen to become. If you were to peel back the onion, chances are they have left a trail of destruction. Regardless of how successful, materialistic, or powerful a narc may appear, they never live a truly satisfying life. They are tormented souls who have made a willing choice to live an unrepentant, self-centered life. Narcs need narcissist supply like we need air. They always have flying monkeys and “yes men” (enablers) around them. Conduct a self-check to make sure you are healthy, healed, and not enabling bad behavior. An unhealed person is prey to a predator. Set firm boundaries, document interactions when needed, and arm yourself with information on how to interact with narcissistic people. Stand strong and do not operate in the spirit of fear. And remember, do not feed or fear the narcs – even in the workplace. #narcfreeliving
